Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Hi, I'm Liberty, and I'm an emotional addict.
But seriously, I've realized some interesting things about myself this week. Just like people in A.A. might call themselves alcoholics even when they are no longer drinking, I think I must remember that without Jesus, I would revert to the emotional condition I was in when He saved me.
I had pms this week (for reasons unbeknownst to man), and I really felt all out of whack. When I was healed of my depression, I also found that I had no pms (yay!!) but this month I had had less sleep, more work, and the emotional burden of some family issues. I guess my hormones were not up to the challenge! I was really weepy this week, I couldn't sleep, and I was ANGRY. Once it was no longer pre-ms, I felt like I had a sound mind again. But during that week or two I spent a lot of time crying out to God, as all the issues in my life began to surface.
Last night as I did this, I heard the words "John 15:16" in my spirit, so I looked it up. The verse says: You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in My name, He may give it to you.
It spoke right to my heart. This was just what I had been struggling with! I was feeling like I didn't choose this life, or all of its many difficulties. I felt like I was asking, but certainly not getting everything I asked for. Here in this verse, God was showing me the discepancy. It wasn't His fault that things weren't working out the way I wanted, it was my wrong expectations for one thing. I'd been thinking that I chose God, and He should make my life the way I like it. But here I saw, that He had chosen me. I was chosen by Him for this life, this calling: for where I am right now, to be exceedingly fruitfull!
The reason I wasn't recieving what I was asking for in prayer, because I wasn't focused on being His fruitbearer. I was really only focused on myself, and what I wanted. And that isn't love. I wondered how to really bear fruit in Him, since I do need my prayers answered: He'd said that as I bear much fruit, and it remains, I can ask for whatever I wish, and the Father will give it to me. So I looked at John 15:5b: Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit... So I can only bear fruit if I am abiding in Him.
Now, that all surely sounds religeous, and imposing, but it's not! What is the simplest form of what Jesus is saying here? Stay in Me, and your life will be rich and full.
Was I staying in Him? I knew that I hadn't been. I had been coming in, and going out. Checking in, checking things out. But I knew that there wasn't much in my life of which I could honestly say: I remain in Him. Never leaving.
Often I was reading my bible briefly, while making notes on all I had to do that day. Sometimes I was reading it between lunch making and email checking. But once I laid that bible down, it was "off to the real world". Busy, busy, busy.
Not remaining in Him.
I left Him for the stress of the world.
And it showed! I was so angry, so down, so tired, and headachey. I was miserable. My emotions were running so high, and I didn't know how to control them.
So I read John 15, and 16, and knew that if I changed NOTHING else, I had to change this. I had to stay in Him.
Just like former alchoholics can't go back and be a social drinker, I couldn't go back to a life without my bible. I'm addicted to it. I can't function without it. And that's ok. If other people seem to have it easy, and don't need to study their bible like I do, I know from experience that that kind of "easy" life is not available for me. When Jesus saved me, He gave me His word to enforce that salvation/healing, so that I would never lose it. As I distanced myself from His word, my healing was slipping. But today, I am back on the wagon. This morning I read two daily entries in my One Year Chronological Bible.
I'm OK again, I've had my fix. ; ) How about you?