Sunday, December 16, 2007
How can I take this bottle inside me and pour it out to You in a way that will mean something? How do I take all that is in my heart, and explain it to You when I don't know how to put it in words? I know the bible says You store up my tears in your bottle; what about the constant ache inside me, somewhere to deep for me to truly access? Can I come to You without words, and know that I've been heard?
There are too many things that have hurt me so deeply. And I know that You know. In that knowing, (knowing that You know how it hurts, how deep was the cut) can there be a taking away of the injury, a resurrection that comes from this death? Can Your life come, and fill me so completely that I don't even remember the pain?
I want to know You more than I do. I want to stop being so fake. I want to be free, I mean really and truly free, so that the old black cloud of testing thoughts can't come to hover over me when I'm alone.
Is it really all me? If I would let go of the hurt, and never allow my mind to wander there... would it really cease to hurt? Is there a way for this loss to be only gain? Father, must there be a loss?
I wish it wasn't so. I wish that I could leave this place of retreat, and live with all my might. That I wouldn't cower, and even worse, NOT CARE. I want to leave Lazy behind, and find a Spark in my soul that is so contrary to the world around me.
What are the desires that You have placed in me, and which ones are just mine? How can I see how you are leading me?
And yet, sometimes You surprise me, and the suffering is gone without my knowing how. The struggle is gone, as if it simply dissappeared without my knowing it, like a mist that was blown away, like a foam on the beach that nobody missed when the tide returned and whisked it away.
How long is my life? What do I have to do here? Lord, will I get it all done? I have wasted so much time, and been so disobedient to You.
Some days I see Your hand on my life so clearly, and I KNOW, I just KNOW. Other days, I am bogged down by the weight of my own emotions, pelted by the winds of my feelings.
I didn't know that this was what it would be like Lord. But now that I know, I want to live a life of praise. Lord, make of me a joyful woman, a woman who is beautiful and remembered because of her smile. Lord, redeem this time with my children, and help me to make every day count!
I know that at the end of this life, I will regret every squabble I had with my husband, every stubborn act of my will that drove us apart. Refresh our love, Lord, like a fire. Wash away the grit and dust of the years, and make of me a beautiful woman. A woman who gives up her very life.
But mostly, Jesus, I want You. I want to be near you, to be your partner. I want Your love so rich, and real in my family. I want Your joy. I want to spend this life, on this earth, in perpetual joy, and total abandon.
I've uncorked the bottle, I know You're listening....Lord, I am listening.