Saturday, March 1, 2008
Dying to Depression
Today I chatted with someone about the twelve steps. This evening as I write, I wonder "What if there were a series of steps on the ladder up from depression?" What if you could follow an outline, and at the end of your journey, you'd be well?
I don't know what the other 11 steps would be, but today I thought a bit about step one. I would have to say that step one, is to completely, and utterly abandon yourself.
Now I know that sounds scary, and insane to someone who battles depression, and of course even ludicrous to someone who battles suicidal thoughts. So let me clarify.
When I was depressed (10.5 years ago now), my life was consumed by the depression. It was like a monstrous dragon that was insatiable, and no matter how I cared for or bowed to it, it was never enough. It always wanted more. I babied my dragon, feeding it pain killers and antidepressants in hopes that it would be quiet. I put it to bed, and let it watch hour after hour of TV. But to no avail! My dragon would rear its gruesome head at the worst possible of moments! During lunch with people I wanted to impress, or a special occasion with my husband; or even time with my precious son. I was helpless. My dragon had full control.
My dragon tormented me. If there was a chinook, my dragon would grip my head with its claws and squeeze like a vice. If I accidentally ate yellow dye, my dragon would squeeze again, and I was off to the medicine cabinet to find him something to eat.
This dragon stole my first born son's infanthood and babyhood, by stealing his mother's joy. It stole every trace of sexual intimacy I'd had with my husband, and still it wanted more.
Somehow, this dragon was attached to me.
It was attached to my SELF.
To be healed of depression, you have to be willing to let that SELF, the old self who is carrying around the dragon on her back die. Jesus can give you a new self, one that has never had a dragon, nor ever will.
When I surrendered my will to His, when I accepted His cross, I died with Him. I turned the rest of my life over to Him, and in a helpless, dying, desperate way, I gave Him the reins. "I won't try to run my life, or be in charge Jesus. Whatever I am or have from now on, will be because of You. I will live for you".
As I turned over the old SELFISH LIFE, it died, withered, shriveled up apart from me, and deep within my spirit, a cry rose up: Abba, Father! God. My new Daddy. I had been born again.
Now, the flesh that I had been in bondage to didn't run the show anymore, didn't have the keys! The new SPIRIT, the born again inner man inside of me, was beginning to breath, to get to know Him.
10.5 years ago, a new Liberty was born into the earth, and nothing has been able to stop her.