Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Weeds, and a Way

I sit at the island with my head in my hands, overwhelmed. I want to say something, to let Him know how I feel, and I begin: Lord, it's just too...

"Too big? The job is to big?"

And I think of all He's been showing me lately:
that He knew it would be too big.
And that He knew that I could do it.

I think of "Bruchko", and "And the Word Came With Power", and of all that others have done when it actually was "too big".

I think of how if it wasn't (too big), I might be tempted to take credit- to know that I had done it out of my ability, or skill, or knowledge.

But I don't, and I can't.

Not today, not any day.

Maybe pride came before this fall, or maybe His gentle discipline is just reminding me to be humble with others, because I really struggle too. Just in different ways perhaps, maybe at different times than when my neighbor is struggling, but we all struggle, here on planet earth.

Ouch. Lord, even in my own selfish inability, I have been so proud. Even now, what I have left undone bothers me most, because of how others would see me. That they would see how I have failed, and that I am so ordinary. This bothers me. And it bothers me that so much of my efforts have been for show, and not for loving service. That I haven't used my times of strength to kneel and help and fellow struggler. I have spent so much of my life trying to help myself.

So here I am at my island, and in recognition that the job He has given is too big, and not too big.

I think of the stewards, to whom He gave the talents that they were capable of multiplying. To translate that would be to say that He gave funds to investors, and He, being all wise, knew that they could multiply those funds many times over. And no one invests in someone that they are certain will fail, right? You don't put money on a horse who is hobbled, you must know there is a chance of an outstanding win. And He doesn't take risks- if He invested this talent (these responsibilities) in me, then He knows that I am the woman for the job! He knows that I can do this!
Remember the servant who accomplished nothing; came back with nothing to show for the investment that the master made in him? He failed because he was lazy, and because his thinking was twisted.
And at my island I think: have I really just been lazy?

Have I so desired my self life that I would rather bury this talent in the ground than to get up every day and care for it?

It makes me think of my garden, two years ago. I had so neglected it during a crucial time, that after a period of four weeks I was forced to go in with the rototiller and even mow down some of my vegetables which could not be salvaged. I had a talent going there, something worth investing in, but by not giving it priority I lost what I'd invested- time, seeds, and a harvest!

My house is like this.
If I will not get up and get at the weeds...
My children are like this, my life is like this, my marriage is like this....

but the sower sows the word.

Oh boy.
There it is, and I know it.

Oh God, why am I so dull still as to think I can neglect Your Word, Your Living Water and still flourish? And why, when struggles come, do I think it is unrelated to wether or not I am holding to Your instruction manual? And why, when I hit the snooze button, do I fail to recognize that it will lead to sitting at my island with my head in my hands.

I can't do it, Lord.

"I know you can't, but I can."

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