Tuesday, August 19, 2008


I have been thinking about Love, and my first love for Him. Been playing with the words in Revelation over and over in my mind: remember the height from which you have fallen. Repent, and do as you did at first.

I have been so grouchy, so totally irritated. So with head on desk, during a private moment in the office, I asked Him: What? What do I need to do to have JOY? And the answer on the inside of me: Love for Jesus brings joy. To the extent that you love Me, to that extent you will know joy.

So I play with that, turning it over in my mind, examining it from every angle. And it holds. I remember when I first came to know Him, to know that He is Love, that He loves me. And everything was bright, beautiful, full of joy. The hardships weren't less then, but the pressures couldn't get past the joy- the love I had for Him.

And then I think- that whatever I do for Him, I do for the least of these. That when I receive a little child in His name, I welcome Him. And He says, Repent, and do as you did at first.

He didn't say, feel as you did at first, but do.

I hugged more. I embraced more. Forgave more. Started again more. I smiled more- prayed more. I hungered for Him more, and went to greater lengths. Everything with Him was an adventure, and He sustained me. Yes, there were terrible times, but nothing ever got between Him and me. I loved more.

I remember the height from which I have fallen, but will I do as I did? Obey as I did then? Quickly, with total trust? Will I love and smile, and serve in true humility? Will I come to Him, just to be with Him?

One of the things I did then was to keep a gratitude journal. This was truly a life transforming experience for me. (Drop by Holy Experience, and see Ann Voskamp's 1000 gifts list.) I did this each night, faithfully, no matter the hour. But the more children that came, the less I worked on my journal. The less I gave thanks. When the children were all older, I never took it up again. Will I repent and do as I did at first? Will I give Him thanks?

I thank You for a sweltering day of summer heat. Growing tomatoes and green baby pumpkins. I thankyou for swimming, laughing children. Thankyou for a bikeride: time to talk to You, and to be alone. Exercise, to help my hormones! Thankyou for ten pounds of dripping red watermelon, for early morning wake up calls (Thankyou Holy Spirit!). Thank you for the husband you chose for me, and that You also chose me for Him. Thankyou for the first day of homeschool, and for slow easy adjustments. Thankyou for grace to begin again today.

Thankyou Father, for every good and perfect gift is from You.

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