Healed of Depression

Overcoming the Beautiful Mess

2011-11-18T21:08:00.002-07:00

It's been an exuisitely beautiful, fearfully awesome, and really tough year since Hunter was born. Trying to get back on track with neccessities!
Love reading Kim Brenneman's stuff:
http://jeoffsrib.blogspot.com/2007/08/chaos-squalor-filth.html

notes to self

2011-11-05T21:55:00.002-06:00

I write because I am talking to myself. But I also write because I know that somewhere out there is the woman who needs to know; to hear what God has said to me, because it is what He is saying to her.
So I remind myself:
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/03/what-you-always-need-to-remember-when/

Babies, Sleep Deprivation, and NO MORE DEPRESSION

2011-02-28T11:11:00.005-07:00

I am thinking I'll jot this down for myself, but I also know God may use it to comfort another sleep deprived mommy.

Hunter has been waking up at least every two hours at night for the last six months. At the beginning, it was more frequent: every hour, sometimes half an hour or 45 minutes.

(I think he was trying to replicate the womb- to find that environment that met the expectations he developed during the first nine months of his life. He would sleep if he was held, so I held him as much as I could.)

He also had some digestive issues, so I never felt right about just leaving him in his crib to cry. There are many reasons, but all of them seemed to lead to a very tired mommy getting up again and again in the middle of the night!

So, how have I been coping? Because sometimes I felt like I just COULD NOT go on.

1. At the beginning when he was small I kept a very dim lamp lit in the room so that I could read scriptures while I nursed. Sometimes I just read one and then meditated on it over and over. It helped to keep my mind centered on what was right. Any one who has been sleep deprived (or battled depression) knows that this is of extreme importance. Have TRUTH ready and available and fix your mind on it over and over.

2. I kept worship music playing in Baby's bedroom night and day. It changed the spiritual atmosphere of that place that I spent so much time not sleeping. It made a way for the Spirit of God to be a source of great comfort to me.

3. I prayed. I told God EVERYTHING. I admitted all, held nothing back, made no pretense. I wept, I begged, I whispered his Word to Him. I praised Him, and whatever else I needed to do. I stayed in connection with Him through prayer, even when it was terribly painful.

4. I thanked Him. I didn't do this perfectly, but I did make a point of being grateful for even basic things, like baby's life, his health, his beauty, his personality.

5. I prayed for others. This took my mind off of my self and my own suffering.

6. I just did it, without thinking about whether or not it was right that so much sleeplessness be required of me. I focused on showing baby compassion, and this fed me. To make happen for someone else what I so badly needed for myself gave me strength. And I reminded myself that the feelings of terrible fatique would pass, and once this day (or night) was over, I would have accomplished one more day in this period of my life and it would be that much closer to being behind me. But I also reminded myself of the sacredness of these days with precious infant, and that once they were past I could never revisit them, no matter how much I might want to. I thought of those in my life who longed to be holding a baby the way I was, and I chose to appreciate the night time moments, even though they included pain.

Greater even than Me

2011-01-04T10:51:00.004-07:00

It is quiet, and dim. Worship music plays softly in the background, and shadows fall softly against baby's face. I trace the line of his cheeks, his hair, his ear with my fingers. Finally there is a solace- a break from the business and noise. Here everything seems to make sense: this sacrifice of my life, my strength, my very self. Here the great demands placed on my life by one human being seem right, even necessary. I lean my head back and murmer scriptures, and silent prayers. Here, there is a peace. A break from the incessant inner and outer noise that has been my life these last few days.

But tomorrow will invade soon, just like it did the day before. A day of demands placed on a woman who has nothing left to offer. Even the boy in the gospel story had fishes and loaves to present to Jesus, but this woman has only inner brokeness. I have offered my time, my effort, my strength, my sleep, even my very food and drink, and still I feel surrounded by my own failures and shortcomings and the expectations of neglected children, neglected housework, neglected lover. I can't do this. It is true. I have nothing else I can give.

So I lock myself in the bathroom, and in a brief moment alone I open up my yawning chasm before the Lord. I tell Him my grim selfishness, all my ugly complaints. I tell Him of my great inner horror, and that I don't feel I can go on. Even the intense, poignant, amazing beauty of my relationship with baby is draining my joy after 4 months of night wakings; never less than two, often at least 6 times I respond to his cries and gently lift him out of his crib; I pull him to my chest and offer comfort- offer the very thing I don't know how to find. The one thing I feel such a desperate and urgent need for. My innermost being is desperate- a beggar.

And in this place of inner deficit and depravity, and full honesty before God I can think of only one thing that is even uglier than a selfish mother and self focused wife.

It is a cross. It is a perfect Savior born for murder; born as a delicate and fragile baby, whose mother woke at night to feed Him, just like I feed my baby. A holy infant, destined for a crucifixion. It is a son of man who never sinned, and yet BECAME sin for me. He didn't just die on a cross to forgive me, but He, the Innocent Beautiful, BECAME the inner horror that I don't know how to face. And not just for me- He became the inner horror and ugliness of all mankind. All of us. And He bore the full weight of the wrath of Holy God for that depravity which He became.

So I ponder the awful wonder of a God who could love me that much. To become my horror, so that I could leave it behind. So that I wouldn't have it! And a certain inner stillness comes. Not completely a peace, not just yet, but a soberness and a stillness that is greater than the turmoil around me.

And I need that.

I need to know that there is something; Someone, so much greater than my sin.

The Pain That God Accepts...

2010-07-31T21:49:00.003-06:00

I had a few tough days in a row. I'm down to the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy, and the past few days were tough physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...

This morning I read 2 Corinthians 7:6 which says:

"But God, who comforts the downcast...."

And I thought, "Hey, if God comforts the downcast, and the bible says He cannot lie... Then I can EXPECT Him to comfort me today!!!" But still, somehow I really didn't feel any better after that. In fact, I felt much worse. But as the day went by, I spent some time in prayer on my walk/jog (it was a noisy, noseblowing kind of prayer); I took my children to the park and read from a Joyce Meyer book ("Reduce Me to Love"); I listened to the book of Proverbs on cd in my car as we drove... and over the course of the day, I did feel comforted. I went from feeling hopeless, to believing that THERE REALLY IS HOPE !! Hallelujah!

I also read 2 Corinthians 7:10 which says:

"For the pain God accepts produces repentance not to be regretted, leading to salvation; but the pain of the world produces death."

And I thought about how if I lay in my bed feeling overwhelmed, or if I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, or if I give way to any number of the negative thoughts that were coming against my mind, then I am giving way to a "worldly sorrow"- a sorrow that is selfish, because it is based only on me, and what I feel. It's a sorrow based only on whether or not I have been treated justly, or whether or not others have considered me, or whether or not I feel pain or discomfort, or happiness...

But the "pain that God accepts" would be the kind of pain experienced when I choose to forgive, and I choose to love anyway, and I choose to think about how the other person feels, even when I have my own unmet needs. It is the pain of putting sin aside when its temporary benefits look like they would offer me a brief relief from this "pain that God accepts". I think this "acceptable pain" must be the pain of PUTTING SELF ASIDE rather than focusing on how "terrible it is for self".

And sometimes that isn't fun, but whenever we lay ourselves down, it is a seed! It produces that beautiful fruit of JOY! Which is unattainable by focusing on how bad things are for "ME".

Learning How to Believe for Healing

2010-06-03T11:39:00.003-06:00

I think some of the key issues I faced while depressed were:

what I believed,

what I thought,

what I said.

All these things were negative, and they all worked together to surround me with a prison of depression. The only answer to this was to go a different direction- to start thinking and believing and saying what was in my bible, rather than what I felt, or what my circumstances seemed to say was true. I had to say what I didn't feel, but what I chose to believe- God's Word.

This morning I was reading from Kenneth E. Hagin's book: Exceedingly Growing Faith, and I wanted to type out a short segment here. Even though he is talking about something other than depression, this principle of faith can be applied to every area of our lives. It is how we believe for a life free of depression.

"Now if I had gone by my feelings I would never have gotten out of bed! I was never so weak in my life. I felt as if I couldn't do it. But I stayed with it. I acted upon the Word because I knew what faith was. I would say to the Father, to Jesus, to the Holy Spirit, to the devil, to myself, and to the other boys if they asked me, "The Lord is my strength." But I never actually got any help until I started to work.

Many people want to get something and then believe they've got it. But you have to believe you have something and then you receive it.

When we began to work each morning I wouldn't have any strength, but when we started on the first tree (or sometimes the second) I would feel something hit me in the top of my head. It would go through my body, out the end of my fingers, and out the ends of my toes. Then I would work all day like a Trojan...

You may say that you know God's word is good, but you will never really know until you have acted upon it and have reaped the results.

And this is what I am trying to tell you that faith is. Faith is giving substance to the things hoped for. I acted on God's Word; I went to work. I hoped for the physical strength to do the work, but it was my faith that gave substance to what I had hoped for. Faith says, "God is the strength of my life." As I acted on God's Word, faith gave substance to that for which I had hoped...

Remember this: Hope says, "I will have it sometime." Faith says, "I have it now."

Since faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God, then I want to focus today on building my faith for healing and every other area of life, by keeping God's word before my eyes. It is the one needful thing.

Some Kenneth Hagin Quotes to Encourage You

2010-05-24T08:55:00.003-06:00

Yesterday ended rough... I felt tired, I felt hypoclycemic, I was feeling pain, etc. So I decided to cope with this by overeating, which really didn't make me feel as good as I thought it would. : )

This morning I made a better choice of coping mechanism, which was to pray some scriptures, and to read a few chapters in Kenneth Hagin's "What to do When Faith Seems Weak and Victory Lost."

Here are some quotes that were especially meaningful for me:

1. "Of course, the devil will suggest things to your head- but you are not to walk by your head. You walk by your heart. Thoughts may come, and they may persist in staying. But thoughts that are not put into word or action die unborn. You need to know that. Because the devil, endeavoring to defeat you, will put thoughts into your mind. Then he will tell you, 'If you were saved, you would never have thought such a thing as that.' So, let me say it again: Thoughts may come. Thoughts may persist in staying. But thoughts that are not put into words or actions die unborn."

2. "Suppose, for instance, a man climbs up on the house, then falls off and breaks his leg. God put into motion the law of gravity. But the man could not say, 'God broke my leg,' or, 'God pushed me off the roof,' or even, 'God did it.' No. God put into motion the law of gravity; the man violated it, and reaped the results. It is true that God is the author of gravit. But He did not intend for the man to fall and break his leg. He did not intend for him to fall. The man fell off accidentally, or because he was careless."

These ideas led me to thinking that: God cannot be blamed for all that is going on in my life right now. Realistically, it is rediculous for me to blame Him for any of it, since God is Light- PURE light. There is not a trace of darkness in Him! So what I can see now, is that there are areas that I have missed it- I have violated His laws, either wittingly or unwittingly. Secondly, that there are places that satan's thoughts have come against me, and I didn't resist them (didn't recognize them as not my own and as being total lies against God's precious promises), and then I reaped a bad result.

So today, as I endeavor to clean up my diet, I also want to work to clean up my mind. I need to clean up my heart of sin (the ones I knew about, and the ones I pretended not to) and I need to clean up my mental diet!

Praise the Lord!

Learning to Love Your Life (a lesson from my dog.)

2010-05-10T10:11:00.003-06:00

We ran out of "marrow bones" last week. In the life of a lab, this is serious business! How can a lab truly experience love and fulfillment if there is no tasty morsel to greet him upon each opening of the front door? Now it seems that Sam somehow knew that there were no more marrow bones to be had, but last night Jed had given him a small piece of leftover birthday cake before bed, and this morning when he opened the door, there was Sam: whole body wiggling, tail flapping wildly, and smile all adrool. He was expecting birthday cake!
This made me see that I can approach each day the same way! I may feel like life isn't throwing me any marrow bones, but I am the one who makes the choice about what to expect. I can wake up with a sense of dread and foreboding, or I can DECIDE that I am expecting birthday cake today. I can MAKE THE CHOICE to LOOK FORWARD to something good that will happen to me today! Over the course of 24 hours, a small piece of cake can seem very small in the life of a dog- but he was not discouraged that it was all he would get- if anything, Sam was MORE excited, and enjoyed it more thoroughly!!
I have the opportunity to do so too.

I got ready for my morning jog today with a usual sort of dissapointment. That may not make sense to runners, but since I've been pregnant, I was finding it harder than usual, and had gotten myself in a habit of dread.
So I learned another lesson from Sam today. My run is always the same- it doesn't change for him, and yet, Sam gets SO EXCITED about the prospect of accompanying me on the same route, every day! I think he actually enjoys the thrill of thinking about going, more than the run itself!! If he is outside the front door, waiting for me, and he even hears the rustle of my jacket, he will actually start making little crying noises because he is so excited!
When is the last time I approached Monday morning that way! When is the last time I let myself be THRILLED that I had an entire day of opportunity before me? I have the power through Jesus Christ to choose my own attitudes! Why not expect a blessing? Why not expect each ordinary day to contain some of the extraordinary? Just so, Sam had the opportunity this morning on our "ordinary" walk, to chase off a coyote for me. For him, this was a great delight! And it wouldn't have happened if he'd stayed on the front rug feeling discouraged.
Today is a new day, no matter where you are in this day. Today, no matter what is happening, you have the power to expect something NEW.
This may be look tough, if you've been in a "habit" of dread, as I mentioned before. But the scriptures (the Holy Bible) are filled with positive statements of hope! Read some scriptural promises, and pick one that you want to think about today. Even one such good message of hope can change the entire direction you are heading right now. It is a seed for a new life!
If you don't know how to find these promises, or are very new to reading your bible- you can try getting a bible with a "concordance" at the back. Like a dictionary, you can look up a word, and it will list some scriptures for you that contain this word. A great online resource for this is www.biblegateway.com where you can search different topics. Very helpful.

Go just one extra mile.

2010-04-22T10:05:00.002-06:00

I jogged three miles today, instead of two.
To many of you, that may not seem significant, or as having to do with depression, but it was significant for me.
I am four months pregnant, and I just started jogging two months before I conceived. It was winter, and there were days I cried because it was so hard, or so cold, or so windy. But I didn't quit, and I didn't give up.
But today I woke up feeling tired and depressed before I even got out of bed, and thoughts went through my head like:
I just can't do this.
I just want to give up.
Now tell me friends, where did those thoughts come from?
Yes, from satan. The enemy of our souls.
So I set out on my jog, and I cried the first half mile. I ran into Jed on his way home, and he prayed for me. After which, I decided I would go three miles instead of two. It was significant for me: it was my faith declaration: I am not depressed, and because the Lord helps me, I will not give up.
You could do the same thing today; you could say the same thing: Say- I can do this, because the Lord is with me!
Nobody said it wouldn't be hard at times, but today you could make one act of faith, like I did. Maybe that act of faith would be to smile at your children, or to make your husbands lunch, or maybe it would just be to get out of bed and shower!! But you have the power to sow that seed, and do even just one thing that would say:
I can do this. In fact, I'll go three miles today instead of two.
Let me know how it goes!

You have a brand new mind!!

2010-04-08T12:20:00.003-06:00

I keep thinking about the Word, and about how it is the One Needful Thing. If I fail all else, but endeavor to put His word FIRST, then haven't I succeeded at the "better part" which will not be taken away from me? And if I seek FIRST His kingdom and its righteousness, then won't all else be added unto me? Won't everything else end up in its proper place of priority? For when I place His word first, I place His grace first. His covenant. First.

But do I just put it first in hour? First thing after I leave the bed, yes, but is it FIRST outside of those first minutes that I have given it? Have given Him?

For the Word of God is the One Source of a sound mind.

From 1 Corinthians 2- the J.B. Phillips translation:

...nothing is hidden from the Spirit, not even the deep wisdom of God. For who could really understand a man's inmost thoughts except the spirit of the man himself? How much less could anyone understand the thoughts of God except the very Spirit of God? We have now received not the spirit of the world but the Spirit of God Himself, so that we can understand something of God's generosity towards us.

It is these things that we talk about, not using the expressions of the human intellect but those which the Holy Spirit teaches us, explaining spiritual things to those who are spiritual. But the unspiritual man simply cannot accept the matters which the Spirit deals with- they just don't make sense to him, for, after all, you must be spiritual to see spiritual things. The spiritual man, on the other hand, has an insight into the meaning of everything, though his insight may baffle the man of the world. This is because the former is sharing in God's wisdom, and 'Who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he should instruct Him?' Nevertheless, we who are spiritual have the very thoughts of Christ!

So what does all this mean? It means that if you believe in Jesus as your Saviour and Lord, and you have recieved His Holy Spirit, then... Jesus lives inside you. His Spirit is in your spirit, and because of that, His thoughts can be in your thoughts. It's saying that God's Spirit knows His mind, and that Spirit is in you for you to know His mind too. If you have been born again, then you are no longer dependant on your own natural mind. This scripture says that NOW YOU HAVE THE MIND OF CHRIST! So... stay in the word of God. Those are the things He said, so that is what He thinks. Let your mind become so familiar with His mind, that it changes what goes on in yours. Let the Word of God transform your thoughts.

You will be free, and you will stay free.

2010-03-03T14:14:00.003-07:00

This blog post was sort of bouncing around in my mind this morning as I went for my daily jog. I'm just going to start typing here, and see how the Lord leads it. I'm sure He has something to say.

I received a couple of emails recently asking basically the same questions (as I understood it). First: how did I get to a place of actually receiving my healing without giving up hope. In other words, when I was severly depressed, how did I continue to believe that I would get well. And second: how did I stay well once I was healed. Now, even if I have misunderstood the questions somewhat, these two are worthy questions to consider, and questions that deserve revisiting and answering.

How did I keep believing that I would be healed, and never lose hope?
I don't know that there is an uncomplicated answer to that, but there are a couple of things in my story that I will share which may help you. But before I do- I must point out something to your own heart. You actually believe that you will get well. You may not think that you do- you may feel pretty hopeless after many years of depression, but if you really didn't believe that you would get well, you would not be reading a blog entitled HEALED of depression. The enemy of your soul may be feeding you thoughts of despair and hopelessness right and left, but the human spirit was not created to give up! There really is a part of you that knows you should not be depressed, and that there is the possibility of a future free of depression.

Now back to my story! I think one thing that helped was that even though I'd had bits of unrecognized depression throughout childhood, and teen years, was that there was a time in my life when I WASN'T depressed. So I sort of knew deep down that this was not who I was. "Depressed" was not my TRUE self. Also, I'd been taken to Sunday school when I was little, where the people were kind and really loved Jesus. This began a belief in me that God really did exist. He was a Real "Person". I may not have known Him very well, but I knew that He was real, and that He was kind. Later in my childhood I was taken to a Sunday school where I was taught to memorize scripture, and to pray. That year, I only memorized psalm 23, but I'd also been taught the Lord's prayer, so I would say these to myself when I went to bed at night. It was something that kept me believing that God was real, and He was good.

So when I became severely depressed at age 19 or 20, I still had a hope in me that no matter what I was at that point, no matter how I'd lived my life, no matter how bleak things looked... this depression wasn't helping me or my newborn son, and if I talked to God, He would take it away.

There's a scripture that says when we come to God, we must believe that He IS, and that He is a REWARDER of those who diligently seek Him. That is what I unwittingly did. I believed that He existed, and that I could ask Him for things.

Now my prayer was not answered immediately. Why not? Well in retrospect, I see now that I didn't know God very well then and that He may have been trying hard to answer me, but I didn't notice. I hadn't been spending time with Him- I'd been spending a lot of time in sin. I knew sin very well, but was unfamiliar with the voice of God. So if He'd told me where to go or what to do, I wouldn't have heard. That may not be the situation you are in, but at that time, it was for me. It took God two years of arranging "coincidences" to get me into a church where His Presence was known, and He could get people to pray for me. If I had heard Him, I'm sure He would have told me to go there sooner, for He surely hated to see me and my family suffer so!

But He did answer, and my life was radically transformed. I remember during my prayer counselling, I was asked: Do you believe that God can heal you? And I felt that the answer was obvious: Yes! Of course He could- He was GOD, after all! He could do anything!! So I committed my life to Jesus, making the decision to turn from my sin, and to serve Him for the rest of my life. I accepted Him into my life, and He set to work driving out the demons, habits, and thought processes that had kept me bound. Yay!!

Now that I was free, how did I stay free? Because people eyed me skeptically, and said things like "Once you've been depressed, you'll have it for the rest of your life. It will come back." But I KNEW that wasn't so! Just like if you had an upset stomach full of greasy food that was disagreeing with you strongly and you vomited it- you would know that you were empty of what had been tormenting you. If a body was battling food poisoning or a virus and vomited, that body would have a sense of relief afterward. What was troubling it was gone. It would seem rediculous to you if someone said "that salami is going to come back on you someday." You would know that it wouldn't. It wasn't in you anymore. It's not a very good analogy perhaps, but that's how it seemed to me. I KNEW that I was unchained, and that I wasn't going back. I knew it wasn't His plan for me. He had healed me after all! There is something like that in all of us, for we are created in the image of God, who NEVER gives up. There is a part of us (like Him) that knows we were created to be free- that freedom is our God given right. Jesus Christ went to the cross for that freedom. We need never be bound again.

But practically, there were definately several things I did which made the difference between giving up and moving on.

Because there were days when that "depression voice" would hang around me fishing for a bite, and saying what it had always said before: "you are too tired. you just can't take it anymore. this is too much for you. you feel sick." Etc, etc. And I didn't know much of what to do about that, except that Lydia had told me to use the name of Jesus. So I would answer those thoughts: "I reject that thought, in Jesus' name!" Sometimes I did that over and over, many times a day, but it worked. The name of Jesus was effective.

But do you notice here that I was able to recognize that those thoughts were NOT MY thoughts? This is a KEY REVELATION! NOT EVERY THOUGHT THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD IS YOUR OWN! It is so neccessary to recoginize this, so that when those thoughts come, you can see that you don't have to take them! It's like email spam: Not all of those emails are yours! Don't open them!! Even now, I have to be diligent about recognizing that. Just because it entered my mind does not mean it is my thought, and I don't have to embrace it; identify with it; or accept it (or believe it). My mind is His, and I can choose a different thought.

Thoughts are habits- they run on tracks like trains. It may be hard to choose a new thought because it's hard to skip tracks, but it can be done. And if you do it enough times, it will form a habit, and even a BRAND NEW TRACK!

One of the absolute most important things I did that kept me free (and has the power to MAKE a person free) is to READ MY BIBLE. I read it nearly every day. Sometime I didn't on Sunday because I was going to church, and sometimes I just gave myself a break so that it wouldn't become something I resented- but once I realized its value in my life, I wanted to read it every morning, and I didn't want to miss.

A daily bible reading might seem out of reach to you if you've been depressed for a long time. I know that my mind wasn't capable of much focus or "intelligent" activity when I was first healed (for one thing, I'd spent most of those years in a zone in front of the TV) for it seemed that the medication had affected me somewhat, and also the hormones in my brain had been unbalanced. So when I started reading my bible, I read it in a very simple translation that made sense to me. As I kept reading, I switched to the NIV bible, which most people know is not a complicated translation at all, but that's where I was at at the time- it was hard for me to understand. There were times I read it without understanding much of it at all, BUT, as I continued in it, the bible began to change my brain! What I was incapable of at the beginning, I began to find easier and easier, until several years later I found myself buying a King James version of the bible, because I enjoyed the challenge of reading something new.

Are you able to read your bible for 15 minutes a day? If you do, and you put into practice what you read there, it will change your life. God's dominion and control is like a tiny insignificant looking seed, that seems of no real power. But when you plant it, and keep on planting it, there is nothing that can overtake it or prevent it from producing for you! It is like a tiny bit of sourdough, that looks just too small, but when you stick it at the bottom of a bowl of flour and water, it will cause the whole thing to bubble up, and even bubble over! How much creed will you give it? How important will you make it? Because the more importance you give it, the more it will accomplish in your life. If you measure it big- it will measure out big for you. There is a scripture that says we have not yet resisted temptation to the shedding of our blood, and that is important to think about in regards to bible reading. Fifteen minutes a day will not kill you. Your flesh will say that it will, the devil will say that it will, and yes, it may be hard to accomplish. BUT there is NOTHING else in life you can ever do that will be more worthwhile. You have got to find a way to read your bible, even if all you do is listen to it online while you lay on the sofa. GET THE WORD INTO YOU SOMEHOW!

Boy, there are many more things I'd like to say, but I'll have to let them keep bouncing around in my mind until the next blog post.

Hope I'm back soon,

Liberty.

Choose to Forgive

2009-12-07T13:30:00.004-07:00

I just want to take a moment to speak to all you anonymous thirty somethings. I want to tell you that this may be "just a stage you are in", and it won't last forever. You've been through stages before, you know. Like when all your friends were in the dating stage; then all of you went through the getting married stage; next was the having babies stage, and then (unfortunately), some of you went through the getting divorced stage.
It seems that the women around me are going through a hurt, disjointed, and disillusioned stage. It doesn't have to be that way, of course, but it seems that by the time we reach this "thirty something", we have collected a lot of hurts. We've hurt others (often unintentionally), and we've lost a lot of relationships. We feel hurt sometimes, and we feel alone! Some of us don't have an extended family to fall back on, and some of us are under stress in our marriages to boot. Many of us have teenagers, or are under financial pressures.
Wow. We are going through some stuff.
But I think what's most important at this phase in life, is to be ruthlessly forgiving. Remember, that those women who have hurt you, or betrayed your friendship- they are hurting too! Your parents are fallible, your church is only full of normal men and women. You will have others fail you, and maybe they already have- terribly.
But this reminds me of my sweet daughter Victoria, and her recent encounter with her slightly older brother Joshua.
Joshua took Victoria's mittens, and was out in the snow drifts having a great time. Victoria was in the house, dejectedly searching for any sort of mitten. To no avail. Assessing the situation, I suggested to Victoria that she put some of Jed's turbo thick woolen socks over her hands, and just go have a good time. But Victoria was intensely focused on the terrible injustice of the situation- "Joshua took my mittens, and he wouldn't give them back!" An injustice, to be sure, but I wanted to point something out to Victoria.
"Are you enjoying yourself by being bitter about it?"
"no..."
"What if you just forgave him, and moved on with your life? You could spend the whole day being angry, and it would ruin all your fun... or you could let it go, and it would have no power to affect the rest of your day! Just put on the socks, and leave it behind."
(Sage advice for myself these days. "Just put on the socks, and move on with your day.")
She cried. And put on the socks. I don't know the end of the story yet, but I think it's time for me as a thirty something to forgive. To recognize that I can't change what's going on around me, but I could do something about the future. I can get through this stage a lot faster, if I will ruthlessly forgive.

Don't Quit, and Don't Give Up

2009-12-05T20:58:00.003-07:00

This is something I repeat to myself frequently. "I'm not quitting, and I'm not giving up!" Some days I feel I have to say it over and over, in order to remind myself. Other days I say it in relief. "I didn't give up, and I didn't quit!" (Phew!)

The basis for this unwillingness to quit is this:

Jesus came into my messed up life, and He accepted me- He changed me. He took my sins upon Himself, and He went to the cross in my place. He went to hell for me, and then He gave me His Life, His Resurrection, when I had earned nothing, and deserved death.

He rose from the grave by faith in the Father's word, and He gave me His Spirit to live in me forever, so I would always have a friend- always have hope! He conquered sickness, temptation, sin, and the grave for me, and He gave me His written word so that I would have all access to Him; all comfort-- so I would know that I have a covenant. I have His promise!

When He overcame for me, when He purchased all victory with His own blood, and then turned around and called me victorious... How could I give up?

How can I look into the scriptures and read the accounts of those in worse circumstances than mine, and disregard the intense faith that they kept in Him- and that He delivered them!

How can I read what He has promised me in Isaiah, and ever be discouraged... How can I believe He is against me when the entire bible outlines His unfailing goodness! He is God, and He is good!

How could I quit, when His Spirit lives inside of me- has become Part of who I am? How could I ever fail, when He Who lives in me is unfailing?

When He has won it all, and He won't give up on me? When He won't quit on me?

I can't I don't. You won't either. Some days seem tough, but we call those blessed who persevere (who didn't quit- who didn't give up). And there are good days too! And there is heaven ahead. He won't give up on me- I will not dishonor Him by giving up. All we need is His word, and He has given it to us in written form, to have it with us forever. Promise, after promise. And the more I read it, the more addicted I am- this book is filled with hope! This book is filled with life itself! This book is Alive, and This Book is a Person! This book is true, and it is The Truth. Oh, how I love His Word, and I can't live without it- and neither can you. You cannot live without the One who will not fail you or forsake you! He can't live without you either- He loved you enough to die for you, to win you to His side, to woo you, and to have you. He is the Great Bridegroom, the Irresistible, the Undeniable. He is the Awesome Almighty- He is Jesus. Oh the Blessing, oh the Joy, oh the Power. He is Worthy.

No. I can't give up. Neither can you- there is hope ahead for your life- the kingdom of God is within you, and you have the mind of Christ now. When you ask Him in to the dim and dismal places of your heart, He will enter, and He will cause you to be reborn- born from death into life; from depression into hope. When we know His word, we know that there is always Hope, and that we must not give up, and we do not quit. He is with you now- He will not fail you or forsake you. He is Love, and Love never quits or gives up.

Released

2009-11-25T12:22:00.002-07:00

What Jesus has done for us:

Isaiah 61
1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed meto bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.

You Can Have What You Say

2009-11-20T09:32:00.004-07:00

A quote from Charles Capp's minibook "God's Creative Power for your Finances", where he quotes instructions that the Lord gave him during a time of prayer:

"Study and search My word for promises that pertain to you as a believer. Make a list of these, and confess them aloud daily. They will build up your spirit over a period of time. Then, when these truths are established in your spirit, they will become true in you."

That's the way it works! It applies to health, finances, mental and emotional wellbeing: every area of life. The word of God will work in our lives, if we will give it place.

Reminding Myself

2009-11-15T06:55:00.003-07:00

It's time to remind myself of what I've learned the last couple years of my journey.

Namely, that God is not my enemy. He is not doing bad things to me, but wants to deliver me- to help and to heal me. God is good. This seems simple enough to understand, but you must know that when thoughts enter a person's mind like: "God won't help you, He doesn't care." and, "God isn't answering your prayers- He isn't going to either." then a greater answer is needed than just "oh yes, He does." Truth is needed! I've learned that I must store up the word in my heart, until it overflows out of my mouth in faith, and then it will come to pass in my life. I've learned that I can have whatever I believe, not just what I know mentally. When it's in me in abundance, and I can speak it out of my mouth, totally believing that it will come to pass, then I am using my faith. But if I don't believe it in my heart (if I only believe it mentally), then the only answer is to go back to the word, and keep feeding it in: to keep putting it into my eyes, into my ears, and into my heart.

When I focus on the physical problem, I magnify it; I am sensitized to it, and become more aware of it. However, when I focus in on God, I become aware of His greatness, and His goodness- then I give Him place to move in My life. My attention is less on the problem, and more on the love that God has for me. When I focus in on what is hurting me, and what's going wrong, I perpetuate it! I create at least a mental habit that keeps going over its wounds again and again! But when I focus on the love of God (in worship), and focus on others (in serving them in thinking about how they feel), I find I do have just a bit more strength that I can offer Him. I find that I do have enough love to love someone other than myself.

When something has come against our physical bodies, or our minds, it is tempting to despair, or to be selfish- to think only on what's wrong in our lives, and how to fix it. It can even seem like the right thing to do: like a person who discovers that they have celiac disease, who begins to focus on how to bake gluten free. This can seem like the right thing to do, right? Because it is best for that person's health; and they are doing it to heal, so they can be there for their family, right? But I think what can happen is that the focus is also on all those words like: "celiac, gluten free, disease, diahrea, sick," etc. etc. So if the focus is not on Christ, and His healing word, then we don't make progress! We just stay in a habit of researching: always trying to find a cure; always seeking an answer! The search for natural treatments is inexaustible- seemingly. But the word of God is inexaustible, truly!

And I know now that I can change my expectations. I don't have to let my mind go down every little bunny trail of what can go wrong, or what it is afraid of. I can speak God's word; I can pray; I can on purpose decide to expect something good. I can hope! This may seem out of reach to someone who is deeply depressed, but we are never beyond the reach of God's word, and we are never too sick to be affected by it! Even if a person can't read the bible, they can still play it on cd. Their spirit can hear it- it is the Seed, and it will Produce! The word of God itself contains the power to bring itself to pass, just like a cucumber seed has the power to bring forth a cucumber. But someone has to plant it! We must expose ourselves continually to God's word, in order to renew our mind! When we reach the place where God's word is changing what we think, then it will transform our lives! I've learned that when I focus on the little lying thoughts that come against my mind, and try to answer them with reasoning, then I exaust myself, and feel defeated. But when I answer them with God's word, I don't need to fight the battle- the word itself is doing the work.

Again, and again, I've learned that I can't sleep in and hope that some extra rest will do me good- I have to get out of bed and seek God through His word; I need Him. Even more than sleep.

I've learned that I am happier, more peaceful, and more content when I yield to Him (obey Him, submit to His Holy Spirit), even when it doesn't seem right, or fair, or as if anyone appreciates my sacrifice. He sees, He alone truly appreciates. He made a Sacrifice too.

I've learned that I can comfort myself with the psalms. I've learned that when this world seems overwhelming, that there is a Place I can go to be reassured, to be strengthened. I've learned that He is the ultimate Teacher; Lover; Provider; Healer; Forgiver; Strengthener; Standby; and Grace. I can't do without Him, and He doesn't expect me to. He will meet me. He will answer when I call.

Psalm 56: 8-11

You have kept count of my tossings, and put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise (in the Lord, whose word I praise), in God I trust, I shall not be afraid.

Run as to Win

2009-11-07T08:39:00.005-07:00

I went for a jog this morning. It's not a long circuit, and I don't jog fast; but at the beginning of autumn, I could barely walk it.

So I talked to myself as I jogged/walked about how much easier today was than yesterday, and how much easier yesterday was than Wednesday. "Self, I want you to remember that exercise is easier and more fun, the more often you do it!"

That made me think suddenly of prayer. Could prayer be easier, and more fun, the more often I do it?

I know this to be true about my bible reading. If I take a break from it, it can be hard slugging to get back on track. Just like exercise: if I take several days to rest, eat up, and relax; then it can be hard slugging the next time I set out for a walk.

Yesterday was intensely windy here. I'd had a difficult night, and I knew that if I was going to have strength for the day, I would have to do two things:

1. read my bible

2. get some exercise

So I set out for a run in the wind. I ran mostly to get it over with faster.

You know, I found it really difficult. My head throbbed, my eyes watered, my feet were sore, and I was making slow going in the wind. But I kept self talking: "I'm not giving up; I'm not quitting". I was half talking it, half praying. I needed to apply it to every area of my life at that moment. But that run didn't last forever, and I was happy and refreshed when it was done. Also, I was stronger.

Shall I admit that occasionally my "quiet time" with the Lord can be that way? Sometimes I have to make myself focus on the words I'm reading again and again. Sometimes I have to start over, and read it aloud to myself to make sure I'm listening! Sometimes I have to cry. Sometimes I have to repent of the same things, over and over. Sometimes...... Sometimes I feel alone, and as if all this self discipline in my bible reading is making no difference.

BUT. When I was feeling that way yesterday, the scripture came into my mind:

The Word of the Lord is living, and active: sharper than any two-edged sword: penetrating to the dividing assunder of the soul and spirit; the joints and marrow; and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Living and active... Yes, that's right. Even when I don't feel it, the word is working on my behalf! It is a seed, that I planted in my heart, my mind, my life.

Sometimes when I plant my garden in the spring, it is cold outside; windy; drizzly; discouraging. But this makes no difference to the seed. It is buried dead, beneath the unassuming earth, BUT. The bible says the ground produces of itself! Soon the dead seed begins to swell with moisture, soon it begins to break. In its brokeness it sends out a root, and a tender, pale shoot. For awhile, you can see nothing, even though the seed is alive. You could go out to my garden two weeks after I've planted my carrots and say: "There's nothing there. It's not working."

But I can testify to you here, that it has always worked. I have always gotten carrots. This year, I had more carrots than I knew what to do with! They are still in buckets in my cold room, and we will eat off of that harvest for many months!

Can the bible be like that? Yes. Jesus said that the sower sows the word. That means that the one who desires a harvest in any area of his (her) life must plant the word of God. Sometimes when we do, it is raining in our lives. Other times, it is sunny and warm. Either way, we recoginize our need to seed. And we get up early one more time, reading His word.

Just the same, we recognize our need for energy, health, and strength, so we go out and jog, wether it is sunny or windy.

We just don't quit, and we expect a harvest. Living, and Active.

Yes.

A re-post from "journey on to healing"

2009-10-18T21:09:00.001-06:00

I wanted to jot down a couple of other things I'd been thinking about in relation to healing and the Word of God.
First,
I was thinking about juicers.
I have a centrifugal juicer which sort of grates the carrots, and flings the pieces around so that they are thrown against a screen. The pressure of this "flinging" makes the juice pass through the screen and drain into the cup, while the pulp works its way to the top of the screen and then is ejected out the back of the juicer.
I also have a "masticating" juicer (masticating means chewing). It sends the carrots down an auger which grinds and presses them, squeezing the juice out of the pulp.
A centrifugal juicer is faster- it is louder (and thus more impressive). It just whips those carrots around, and soon you have a tall frothy glass of carrot juice! But, in all that whipping, the carrot juice can be oxidized more- the antioxidants would be degraded, and there often isn't as much juice produced as in a masticating juicer.
A masticating juicer works slower, quieter. It takes more effort on my part to force them down the feeding tube, and more effort in my cutting them up first (no big opening on the top, like the centrifugal juicer). The carrots are exposed to less air, and there is generally more juice extracted. It may seem to take more work, but the product is more nutritious, and will keep longer in the fridge.
And this got me thinking!
Is that how I sometimes approach the bible? Like it is something to be done every morning just out of neccessity? Do I just go downstairs and shove some bible verses in there, whip them around in order to get a quick drink, and then carry on to "more important things"? Have I been trying to go through the "bible drive through"?
Will I choose instead to "masticate" the word of God- to chew on it- to turn it over and over, and to crush it- to put pressure on it- to make sure that I squeeze everything out of it that I can?
Will I be willing to slow down, and encorporate a high quality product, savoring it, swishing it around in my mouth? Yes, carrot juice will cost me more than a stop at the McDonald's drive through for a coffee. It will cost me more in time, and in price. But it will give me something to live on. Something to build my life out of.
When I want to cook a roast, I like it to be flavorful, and tender. I often put it in the cast iron pot with some onions and garlic, and then cook it very slowly: all day long. BUT, if I want it to be done faster, I need to put pressure on it- I would need to put it in the pressure cooker. Just so, if I want to really benefit from God's word, I need to both slow down, and put pressure on it. We put pressure on it by doing what it says- by believing it enough to act on what it says.
For me, on Monday, that meant eating turkey. I eat 90% raw vegan (for health reasons, not ethical reasons) and I have eaten meat perhaps only two times in the last year. Monday was our church banquet. I ate a bit of quinoa before I went in case there was nothing I could eat there, but as I sat at the banquet not wanting to explain to everyone why I was eating NOTHING, I felt the Holy Spirit challenging me to trust Him, to trust what He said. If I really am healed in Christ, then I can eat turkey.
So, I tentatively ate my salad WITH the dressing (I don't eat any fat), and then slowly chewed on my carrots and green beans. I skipped the bun, but then I was down to the turkey and mashed potatoes! I ate a corner of turkey with gravy. I thought about it. Then I ate another corner. I thought about it. I reviewed in my mind my commitment to trust God, and my unwillingness to fear because He is with me. I chose not to fear- no matter what. I ate about half of the turkey (I offered Jed my potatoes).
For me this was an act of faith. I chose to step out, and I chose not to fear. It wasn't easy, but it was right.
I went home that evening, and felt fine, I continued to feel fine the entire evening. But I want to remember here, that it was as I ate my meal IN FAITH, that it was incorporated into my body and used as a blessing. It's the same in doing my bible reading- when I read it IN FAITH, mixing belief with what I've heard (the kind of belief that acts- that steps out and does it), then it will be real in my life- it will happen. It will be alive to me.

Healing Habits

2009-10-18T06:36:00.003-06:00

I know that since my healing there are several habits I've kept up- probably most of them without thinking of it. But I thought it would be good to jot something down about how to maintain a life free of depression.
1. I read my bible every day. It is what led to my having a sound mind- I've found that I simply cannot live without it. It's like the bible's story of the "mad man of Gederra". I am clothed and in my right mind, and I want to keep it that way. God's word is what makes a sound mind.
2. Prayer. I know I can ask God for help now. When things seem overwhelming, and I feel like I am sinking, I ask Him to help me, and He always does. But I do believe that I need to stay in relationship with Jesus in order to see His work in my life. You can have this too, at any time! We stay in relationship with Him through daily bible reading, and prayer. He always hears us!
3. I talk (periodically) about how I feel to Jed. There have been times when I started to feel attacked by thoughts of death, or other things that aren't my true demeanor now. But now when I tell Jed about it, it seems to disperse those thoughts, and cause them to lose their power. (He will pray for me too, at those times.) Part of the power of those lies is when you keep it inside and mull over it again and again. I don't do that now- I expose them. Find a strong (bible believing) Christian you can confide in, or a good church (that believes in healing) where you can ask for prayer.
4. I speak scriptures. What has better power over a lie than the truth?
5. I make an effort to focus on those around me- not just what is good for myself. A life focused only on self often ends up to be discouraging. A life focused on loving another has less time for self defeating introspection!
6. I refuse to think despairing thoughts. If I really don't know what else to think, I'll prop up my bible in front of my eyes and read it aloud to myself, until I can think of something good to fix my mind on!
7. I fill my mind with right teaching. I listen to preaching cds (and messages online) that have a positive message: a FAITH message. No one battling depression would be helped by any preaching that says "God made you sick for a reason." or, "God is Sovereign, so this must just be part of His plan for you." Now, God is Sovereign alright, but He is also LOVE, and Love always protects. It is not God's plan for any of His children to be depressed! (Would you plan that for your own children?) I feed myself on messages of hope, not on reasons to stay in bondage.
8. I eat better than I did before. This is not the only key, but it helps. Bare minimum: No More Sugar!
9. I get more exercise than before. Not the only solution, but it does help. On the days I go for a walk, I notice more energy, etc. I feel refreshed mentally too. In winter I will walk on the treadmill.
10. I know that how I feel isn't neccessarily "truth", and that it will pass. I know that I have a choice of what I will yield to. If it's late at night, and my blood sugar feels low, and I know where I am in my cycle, and I find I feel hopeless... Now I know that I can sink into a pool of self pity, or I can just get up and go to bed (often with an mp3 player of scriptures going in my ears), and that I will be better able to battle those emotions in the morning. Now I am free, I am not dominated.
Remember, it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. He came to seek and to save that which was lost. He came for you- so that you could live a life free of depression. He is with you today- talk to Him. Call on His name, and He will answer. He is so faithful.

One More Day

2009-08-15T18:00:00.003-06:00

Sleeping in without feeling guilty, anxious, or stressed.

Waking up beside Jed.

A hot shower, running water, clean feeling, smooth hair.

Breakfast for littles, mediums, and bigs.

Laundry to fold, clean and fresh.

Worship music, dance, song.

Reading Proverbs with Jed, finishing Esther in the KJV.

Zucchini pancakes!

Driving, reading, all sitting close and attentive.

Small gifts.

Kittens. Many kittens!

Soft, fur, purr, little tails, big ears.

Drive home.

To have a home.

Oatmeal for supper, and children who think that's cool!

Carrots, orange, vitamins- small things worthy of appreciation.

A friend for Jed to spend the evening with.

A new game to play with the children.

Evening, close and snug- the reassuring sameness of the dusk.

A new day swelling before us- Sabbath.

Rest.

His Rest.

So be it Father, one more day lived before you, one more day of Your great grace. Intimate and close, Your reality of grace played out in laundry done, dishes washed, children bathed, and minds read to.

One more day that will never come again- never will we be just here, or see these sights, and Oh, the gentleness of a God who never changes, but is willing to help us to adjust to change gradually.

Fasting.

Hunger.

Emptiness that shows that He is neccessary, that we must depend on Him.

Prayer.

Knees, chair, silence. Breath. His Breath.

He's hearing me.

He's speaking to me.

It is enough to know that He is so real, and He is so willing.

Amen. So be it Lord.

Worship.

His Face so near, even though we don't see.

Praise, fleeting thoughts, good memories, glimpses of future.

Gratefulness that overflows, and washes away what seemed to matter so much before.

Now there is no One else. Only You.

The great Enough.

Thank You.

Breaking the Mind Habit

2009-07-30T09:43:00.003-06:00

I've been reading from "The Cross and the Switchblade" by David Wilkerson (founder of Teen Challenge).
Toward the end of the book, he talks about how the boys (addicted to heroine, etc.) managed to get free of their addictions.
He credits the baptism of the Holy Spirit.
If you are new to this term, it is simply what Jesus mentioned to His disciples when He said "But you will recieve power when the Holy Spirit comes on you, and you will be My witnesses..."
It is also what happened on the day of Pentecost to the new, young church. They were already believers in Jesus, but now the Holy Spirit came to dwell within them, and He also "came upon" them- they were immersed in Him, and spoke in other tongues- a new heavenly language- the Holy Spirit speaking and praying through them.
David Wilkerson says in The Cross and the Switchblade that the boys who had been addicted, and then recieved the baptism of the Holy Spirit, would spend time in the chapel of the centre praying in tongues when they started to get a craving for heroine.
I think we need to realize how miraculous this is- somebody with a serious addiction can't just quit cold turkey, and then have a peaceful time praying without ever considering getting the next fix, and yet these boys did just that. Many of them avoided the absolute hellishness of withdrawal, and also the extremely high risk of going back to the drugs.
They mentioned the "mind habit". That the drugs will be out of a person's system in a few days, and that's it, but the mind habit will follow the person relentlessly harrassing them until they cave in and use again. BUT. The boys who'd been baptised in the Holy Spirit overcame the mind habit too- they had a new voice on the inside of them.
It's like that with depression- it's a demon which constantly harrasses the individual until they just can't take it anymore, and they begin to consider suicide. BUT. The baptism of HOLY SPIRIT displaces that demon, just like light displaces darkness. Now the voice of depression is on the outside, not on the inside, and we don't have to listen to it, because we are filled with the Spirit of Christ, and immersed in His power!
If you haven't recieved that power, you can look to God's word- it says "How much more will your Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask Him." If you ask Him too come dwell inside of you, to rebirth you, to immerse you in His power, He will. It is why He sent His Son Jesus to die in our place for our sins- to take our punishment- so that we could be made clean, and recieve the indwelling and baptism of His Holy Spirit and live a new life- a life free of depression.

Changing Focus

2009-06-17T13:02:00.004-06:00

Thankyou Lord for:

Bright sunshine in my room this morning- it makes it so much easier to get up early when the room is full of light. Thankyou that I woke up feeling good. Thankyou for a great sleep last night!

Thankyou for helping me to get my bible reading done this morning. You know how desperately I need to renew my mind, and that's where it starts. Lord, that's number one with you and me- I need to be in Your word, and thankyou for helping me!

Thankyou for beautiful weather, and that my garden is growing! Each day without wind has been such a gift, and this beautiful spring has brought such life to my soul!

Thankyou for Your grace and mercy, that nothing I can do is irreperable! Thankyou that I am changing, even if in small stages. I can't always see the changes, but the word says we see Jesus- Holy Spirit, help me to keep my focus on Him!!

Thankyou for giving me people to practice on- You said that God is Love. I wouldn't really know You if I wouldn't love. Thankyou for this pressure tank of parenting, that forces me to face my own inadequacies daily, hourly, minutely. Thank you that I can't escape, and that I don't want to!! I want to be here with You, and to walk this out. Lord, thankyou also for Your mercy for my children, being mothered by a woman in progress.

Thankyou for the pool that I had to go to Walmart to buy filters for, and the husband who I had to pick up a meal for at Burger Baron, thankyou for all the little Reasons that I had to be in town and running errands. You are a God of great blessing! Thankyou that I have my children with me, and even though I was not a stellar example today, thankyou for the things that I was able to offer them- a new Christian cd, 10 minutes of Creflo Dollar on the way to town, a prayer for guidance before we left. God, I don't want to fool myself into thinking that my sins don't matter, but I don't want to give them all the glory around here either! God you are Good, you are Real, you are Ever Patient and Forgiving. Let me see today that Your forgiveness is greater than my capacity to fail!

-Liberty

You've been made free!

2009-03-25T09:10:00.004-06:00

The book of Romans is often considered a difficult text for the average reader. But reading it in the Message has really made it come alive for me. It was exciting to read Romans this morning!! Take a look:

Romans 6:12-14 (The Message)
12-14That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don't give it the time of day. Don't even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time—remember, you've been raised from the dead!—into God's way of doing things. Sin can't tell you how to live. After all, you're not living under that old tyranny any longer. You're living in the freedom of God.

Photo: My children waiting for the amusement park to open. : )

A Tough Day

2009-03-23T09:19:00.004-06:00

I was showering this morning, listening to myself, and the Holy Spirit, and whining a little bit. I heard Him speak to my heart:

"Just because you are having a tough day today, are you going to believe that every day is going to be a tough day?"

So I thought about that, and focused in on the word "tough". It reminded me of how you sometimes get a steak that is just to hard to chew- there's not much joy in eating it, and it's harder to digest.

I asked myself: what do you do when you have one of those days- one that is just too tough to chew?

Then I thought about our lunch yesterday with friends. They had served a delicious dinner, but when the father served up his smallest girls, he took their plate aside, and cut the meat into tiny, bite-sized pieces. Then he returned their plates, and they thoroughly enjoyed the meal, along with everyone else.

"That," I told myself while showering, "is the way to deal with a tough day." Hand it back to your Heavenly Father, and let Him cut it up into bite sized segments.

There may be more on my plate than I know how to deal with, but He can carve it into something which I can not only process, but enjoy!

Today we each have a choice. We may not be able to choose every one of our circumstances (we are not in control the same way that He is) but we can choose how we will react to our circumstances. We can choose what we will say, how we will treat the people around us, and what we will believe.

We can yield to our emotions, and have a screaming fit, we can yield to depression, and storm off to our bedrooms, we can manipulate, reject, and think selfish, fuming thoughts. But we could also forgive, and then move on.

I have heard the word Grace defined as "empowerment to prosper", but the way I was thinking on it today, I defined it:

"You have been forgiven- now you have the power to forgive."

Yes, Lord. Let it be so for us today.

prayer

2009-03-02T07:23:00.003-07:00

From the Message, Chapter 6 (on prayer)

6"Here's what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.
7-13"The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:

Our Father in heaven,

Reveal who you are.

Set the world right;

Do what's best— as above, so below.

Keep us alive with three square meals.

Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.

Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.

You're in charge!

You can do anything you want!

You're ablaze in beauty!

Yes. Yes. Yes.

14-15"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.

22-23"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!

34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Living Free

2009-02-18T10:55:00.003-07:00

At first reading, these scriptures may not seem to belong here, but when we read all the way down the "life in the Spirit".... isn't that what a life free of depression would be?! A life of Joy? A life of Love?! A life of freedom?

Depression is shortsighted, shallow at best. It can only see what is right in front of it, and it recoils in horror. Depression doesn't love- it only wants to escape- to hide- to cry. Depression falters and fears, but a life in God's Spirit is inexplicably bold. It throws caution to the wind and lives with eyes wide open! Freely. Free.

This is the kind of life I want. Not a life that sits at the back of the bus, staring mournfully out the back window and bewailing the places I've been, as well as the places I'll never be. I want to be up front by the Driver, looking through the windshield expectantly! Where to next? What adventure will we find?

And we can do that when we trust that God loves us through it all. When we trust that NO MATTER WHAT HAS HAPPENED, NO MATTER WHAT WE'VE DONE, He hasn't left us! He will never forsake us.

From Galatians 5

19-21It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
22-23But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
23-24Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.
25-26Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.

Don Colbert on Diet and Depression

2009-02-16T12:49:00.005-07:00

I've been enjoying watching Kenneth Copeland, and Don and Mary Colbert over the internet this week. I don't always make it to the TV on time each morning to watch the show (Believer's Voice of Victory), but you can watch it on their website, by clicking MEDIA, then scroll down to where it says which dates can be watched, and who was on the program that week. You can always look through the archives to find other programs too.

Recently, there were two weeks of Don and Mary Colbert: The week of Monday February 2- God's Design for Your Wellness, and the week of Monday February 9- Choosing God's Way and Living Whole.

I always enjoy listening to what Dr. Colbert has to say- it feeds my hope that I can live in total health on earth, all the days of my life, as I believe, and act on God's word. The episode I watched this week was "Monday, February 2nd, 2009", and Dr. Colbert mentioned how diet can help in healing depression, and how a poor diet can be linked to the emotional spiral that a depressed person can get sucked into. Good Stuff.

Maybe someone more high tech than myself can leave a comment to show me how I could put it up on the blog here. Anyone?

I can at least link you to the Media Page.

Note to Self

2009-02-12T07:59:00.006-07:00

Dear Conscience,

I just wanted to tell you that you've been rather hard on me lately.

Yes, I have been rather grouchy, but I didn't get much sleep this week, and the sleep I did get was rather low quality. You know I need sleep.

It's true, I haven't gotten much done around the house, but you know my energy levels have been low- it's just that time of the month. On top of that, it's February. And I did babysit my nephew yesterday.

I know, I know, I haven't gotten around to doing the bills, but I did do four loads of laundry yesterday. It's true I haven't been preparing healthy food the way I'd like to, but I did take the kids for a bike ride.

I just wanted to ask you, to please stop beating me up. I'm doing the best I can here. It's hard to stay on top of all these things!

I've been worried about my sister- it's no excuse for neglecting my family, but I have to say it's weighed on me. I see all the things I haven't gotten done, but there are things that are going well too. I'm just not sure that you are noticing those things. Please, try to have a good attitude, for my sake.

Sincerely, Self.

Dear Self,

I hear your point, but I have some concerns. Namely, that as long as you have an excuse, you will never change. Your excuse is the reason that you stay the same! I'm really proud of you for getting all that laundry done, but did you remember that you will have to do it again today? I'm glad that the children have been keeping up on their math, but do you have a vision any higher than that?

You always start off well, but then you slow in your pace, and often just quit! Laziness is not a reason to give up!

I know that you've been going through some tough times, but let me tell you from experience, that crying won't make the difference! Remember what Julie Wandling said: How big is your Wanna? She was talking about diet, but I'd say that it applies to your life and desires right now, don't you? These desires do not originate merely in you. The frustration you are experiencing to a large part is because you are not living up to your full potential, and you know it. It used to be satisfying to do certain things that now are a source of discomfort, because you are being challenged to leave a low level of life behind, and move on up to something greater.

But I warn you, you cannot do it with the attitude you've had up until now. This great new life cannot be accomplished by agendas, schedules, and resolutions and efforts. It is accomplished by faith, and obedience. It happens through self sacrifice. You are launched out into the deep of this new freedom when you stop focusing on your self, and begin to focus on Jesus. You cannot do it all for Him, but He has done it all for you. Can you just lay down your perspectives, and let Him take control?

Yours Truly, Conscience.

We Can Choose to be Thankful

2009-02-07T08:37:00.003-07:00

Give thanks in every circumstance, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.

Not every circumstance is His will, but it is always His will that we GIVE THANKS.

-Father, today I thank You for Joshua's new balance board (to help him with equilibrium and posture). Thankyou for children who are interested in exercising (Victoria is on my treadmill, Isaac is on the rebounder, and Joshua just finished 5 minutes on his new "toy".

-Thank You that we always reproduce ourselves. This is an awesome responsibility, but it also guarantees that I am raising children who will love God and His word. As parents, we reproduce ourselves.

-Father, thank You that I can be at home today. Thank You for my new books on healing- thank You for feeding my hope! You are able to do so much more than all I ask or imagine!

-Thank You for haircuts! Free ones too, since I can give all the boys a buzz cut. Victoria just needs a trim.

-Thank You for SUN this morning! Thank You that there are only 3 weeks left in February! Not that I don't appreciate February Lord, but I can already see myself preparing the soil in my garden and planting early crops! I so long to be outside in the fresh air, and to hear the meadowlark calling.

-What a gift- to be able to see. To imagine. To dream. To hope, and to visualize! Oh Father, give me a vision of myself Whole, as You see me!

-Father, today I thank You for Jed. A man faithful! A man who is patient. A man who is kind, and gentle. Slow to anger, and abounding in loving faithfulness. (I used to tease Jed, and say: I am Jed, I change not!) But praise God for a man who is trustworthy, a man who endeavors to live like God. : )

-Thank You Lord for Your Word, and for helping me to get up early these last days. You are truly faithful. Thank You Father, that You sent Your Word and healed me, and delivered me from my destructions.

-Thank You for NO WIND! (Anyone from Southern Alberta will know what I mean!)

-Thank You that each new day brings hope and promise, for Your mercies are new every morning- great is Your faithfulness! Sorrow and weeping may endure for a night, but JOY COMES in the morning!

Because of the Lord's great Love, we are not consumed. Great is Your faithfulness.

Frugal Juicing

2009-02-02T11:13:00.003-07:00

I am certain that this is something which few people have thought of doing, but I mention it in the interest of being frugal, and eating healthy!

I had a shelf of pie pumpkins in the garage here, which we'd grown organically in our own garden, and were very proud of. But I didn't know what to do with them, since we don't eat pie, and the sugar free pumpkin butter I made just wasn't a hit! (tee hee) I even tried baking them like squash, but no one liked that either. I could hide a few slices in soup, but we had a lot of pumpkins left, and they were going to go bad if I didn't use them up!

So the week before grocery day (when we were virtually out of produce) I ran a couple of slices through the juicer along with a couple of apples. I fed it to the children at lunch, expecting them to react badly, but they actually really liked it! The pumpkin had such a mild sweet flavor, that you really couldn't taste it over the apples, and even better- you get all those raw, organge vitamins and minerals!

It's a frugal way to serve raw, fresh juices, because the pumpkins were free. 50% pumpkin reduces the cost of the juice by half!

(For those of us interested in organic gardening: pumpkins and squash are very easy to grow, harvest, and store. You get a lot of food for the amount of work you invest.)

From Death to Life: Forever

2009-02-02T11:08:00.002-07:00

John 5:24 (The Message)
It's urgent that you listen carefully to this: Anyone here who believes what I am saying right now and aligns himself with the Father, who has in fact put me in charge, has at this very moment the real, lasting life and is no longer condemned to be an outsider. This person has taken a giant step from the world of the dead to the world of the living.

Maintaining Our Priorities, and Lowering Our Expectations

2009-01-29T08:39:00.003-07:00

January is always a good time for reevaluating. I did a lot of that this month, and thought a lot about what is really important to me: what do I really believe.

I discovered that to some degree, I have not been living the things that are truly important to me. Surely, I have been changed, and affected by what I really believe, but I come back again to this question: Do you really believe it if you won't do it?

I have come to the conclusion that if I am ever to carry out my true priorities: what I really desire and believe is important in life: I will have to lower my expectations.

How can I lower my expectations to achieve more?

Well last night Jed and I attended segment three of the Reinhard Bonkke video study "Full Flame". One thing Reinhard said that greatly impressed me was that: we are all zeros, and Jesus is truly One. This means that if we will stand with Him, our zero becomes a ten. If we add another zero, we become 100.

I know we are all faced with our own zero every day, so I've decided to stop thinking about mine, and think about my One. I must make His Word my great and only priority, or the other things I accomplish won't matter. Besides that, I know that I can accomplish nothing without Him!

When He called me I was at the end of my rope: spiritually, physically, emotionally, and mentally. My marriage was at the end, my motherhood was in shams. I was at the end of my willingness to live one more day.

Jesus came into my life like a bright light into a dark room, and surprised me with His love and forgiveness. Knowing that I was forgiven changed everything for me.

It still does.

I know that I am nothing without Him, but thank God, I am not without Him! His word changed my life then, how could I go on without it now?

I need to put aside my priorities for my One Priority, and let Him change me to be more like Him. Then the other priorities will fall into place.

("Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things. Only one thing is needful.")

A scripture from the Message:

Luke 4:36-37

That set everyone back on their heels, whispering and wondering, "What's going on here? Someone whose words make things happen? Someone who orders demonic spirits to get out and they go?" Jesus was the talk of the town.

That's what impressed me this morning. His words make things happen. Not me, not my effort, not my crying or begging. His word. This is what I need.

Hearing From God

2009-01-21T09:02:00.005-07:00

Is it possible to really hear from God?

If you did hear Him, what would it sound like?

When I was a little girl in Sunday School, I had the understanding that God had talked to Moses (and Noah, and all the other bible story heroes) in an audible voice, just like I would talk to you if you were here. I used to think: "Wow! If only God would talk to me like that!"

But in that church (which was a good church, and I liked it there) I had never really heard a message on how to be born again. I had never heard that there was a Holy Spirit, and certainly not how to hear His voice.

When I started attending Lydia's church, I heard things I'd NEVER imagined. Lydia and the other ladies at church talked about HEARING FROM GOD, like they actually heard His voice.

This was intriguing. They were not talking about hearing Him, like I had been led to believe that Moses heard Him. This was different.

How would I hear Him, I asked. How would I know it was His voice?

Practice, was the answer.

One of those first nights of hearing Him, was at a prayer meeting. I was willing to hear, I was willing to practice, and as I closed my eyes and "listened", I saw a picture of a girl, and I could see her rib cage. Inside of her rib cage, was a dove. A beautiful white bird, and it was trying to get out! I didn't know what it meant, but I knew that I had "heard" something. This confirmed to me that God wanted to speak to all of His people, and that if we listened, we would surely hear Him.

I began to practice "listening" in my everyday life. I would ask God if He wanted me to go shopping that day or not (or some other daily decision). Then I would hold very still, and strain my ears. Sometimes I would feel a kind of pressure in my ear, as if I was trying to hear something and it was outside of my range (?) and I would think: maybe that is God. He is speaking to me.

I think now (that I've grown a bit, and heard from Him more) that perhaps He was giving me a "sign", or a confirmation like that, because He really did want to speak to me, even though I didn't know how to hear. I was listening to Him as though I would audibly hear Him in my ear, but I didn't understand that God is Spirit- if I heard Him speak, it would be in my spirit.

What does that sound like?

Well, I used to think it sounded a lot like my thoughts. At first, I didn't hear much except for that pressure in my ear, but then as I kept practicing, I would hear more. After awhile, when I would pray or inquire about something, I would sometimes hear the chorus to a song- words that seemed to apply to my situation. Eventually it got to the level where I heard Him speak to me in words. I think this was because I was reading my bible so much. His word had come into my heart, and He was using it to speak to me. (That is not weird or wacky- after all, if He gave us His word, the bible, isn't it what He would say to us, if we gave Him a chance to speak?)

But I did struggle for awhile, confusing the voice of my mind with the voice of His spirit in my spirit. After all, they both took place inside me- they both sounded like me! But one day as I was struggling in confusion over something, and asking God to help me, I heard Him reprimand me: "I am not the voice in your head."

Wow! That really helped me: to examine where the thought was coming from, and what was the motive behind it? After all, there are several voices that a person can hear throughout the course of a day.

There's the voice of the flesh. Generally it says stuff like: "I want more, I hate that, I'm so tired," etc.

There is the voice of the mind. It reasons, and argues and ponders. It's always thinking about something!

There is the voice of the emotions (closely tied to the flesh) and it always tells you how you FEEL.

There is the voice of our enemy, satan. He is deceptive. He hides. He tells you He is God, and that what he has to say is nice, and it would be good for you. Occasionally, he will be overt, and threaten you, if the sneaky stuff didn't work. But the bible tells us he will masqerade as an angel of light. He even used the word of God to try to decieve Jesus. But Jesus (who knew the Word) answered him back with scripture, and did not fall prey to the temptation.

As we get to know God through His word, and also our sincere desire and effort to hear from His Holy Spirit, we will find it easier to hear his voice. It will become "second nature".

Post Script. One of the practices that helped me to blossom in hearing God's voice (and yes, I still NEED to practice: to hear more and better) was a piece of advice from Kenneth Copeland's teachings where he suggested that when you read your bible you should substitute the word LOVE everywhere that it says 'God'. Does that make sense? For example, if you took a verse like John 3:16, you would read it like this: "For LOVE so loved the world that He (Love) gave His one and only Son- that whoever would believe in Him, would not die, but have everlasting life."

1 John tells us that God IS love. If we remember that God loves us; that Love wrote the bible; that Love wants to speak to us; then it will clarify the motive of any voice we hear.

Always compare what you hear with scripture. God's word and His Spirit are one, they will never contradict eachother! God will never say anything to you that contradicts His word, or that isn't based in love.

He is Always Worthy

2009-01-20T09:05:00.003-07:00

We can thank Him even when we don't feel like it, because He is good. We can thank Him even when things look bad, because He is a God of the Unseen, the Eternal. It takes faith to please Him, and faith calls things that be not as though they were. He is still worthy of praise, no matter how dark our surroundings, because He is Light. Light dispels darkness.

Today Father, I don't want to hide from Your light, I want to enter into it, that Your Son Jesus may be manifested in me, in mortal flesh.

Jesus, Emanuel, Word Made Flesh.

Thankyou for my heated matress pad (a Christmas gift from Jed) which helped my back to loosen enough for me to sleep.

Thankyou that Sam (our Lab/Doberman cross) wasn't hurt when the neighbour hit him on the road.

Thankyou that my children care enough about me to pray for me, and that they believe You enough to know that You will answer.

Thankyou for my old Kenneth Copeland videos, and that faith comes by hearing; and hearing by the Word. Thankyou that faith never gets old.

Thankyou for each child doing their school in their own special spot this morning, thankyou for good books, and a commitment made in fall that we will do this. We will school our own children.

Thankyou that even though I don't feel You now, you are here, I can see what you are doing. So is it with anyone born of the Spirit- just like we don't see wind/ breath/ spirit, we still see what it is doing, and I see you here.

I see You in the program (Extreme Prophetic) we watched on the Miracle Channel last night.

I see You in that Jed (who used to be suspicious) watched the entire program with genuine interest and faith.

I see You in him. My husband- a man whom You are truly changing, maturing, making more like You.

I see You in this blog: a place to thank You on purpose, to write down threads of hope, to catch glimpses of what You are weaving.

Thankyou for the story of Vada Hagee (mother of John Hagee- read in Momma Made the Difference, by T. D. Jakes). Thankyou that I can believe in the same God that she did, and see You do the same things that she saw.

Thankyou for friends, Lord. Images of Who You Are.

Thankyou for a story that is bigger than me. All of this, it is really not about me.

"What happened to this man?" asked the disciples. "Is it his fault, or someone elses?"

Jesus replied "It's not about him. It's about me. Let God be glorified in this man, right here, right now. May the Name of God be exalted in this man's life."

Yes, Amen. So be it Lord.

easy breakfast cereal

2009-01-17T11:26:00.007-07:00

Easy, Frugal, Healthy, and QUICK!

I like recipes like that!

Breakfast Cereal (Muesli)

Mix in a large bowl:

Approximately 8 or 12 cups organic rolled oats

1 cup unsweetened coconut

1 cup organic raisins

This is the base, and then you can add anything else you like, for example:

wheat germ,

dried blueberries,

flax,

dried apples,

sliced almonds,

sunflower seeds,

You can use all of these, or only some. Add a sprinkle of cinnamon if you like.

You can make it different every time, if you want!

All you will do is stir it around in the bowl till combined, and then store in an airtight container. This makes quite a bit of cereal (we have four children), and even if cheerios were cheaper (which I haven't penciled out), this is definately healthier, and even my nine year old can make it with no help. Now breakfast will be ready made for the next several days, all you need is some soy milk or something to pour over top. My kids like it cold, just the way it is, with no sweetener. Occasionally we use kefir, or yogurt instead of soymilk.

Choosing Peace

2009-01-17T09:08:00.003-07:00

Matthew 12:20-21 (New Living Translation)

20 He will not crush the weakest reed

or put out a flickering candle.

Finally he will cause justice to be victorious.

21 And his name will be the hope

of all the world.”

Mark 5:34

And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”

Luke 1:78-79 (New Living Translation)
78 Because of God’s tender mercy,

the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us,

79 to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,

and to guide us to the path of peace.”

John 14:27

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

John 16:33I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

John 20:21Again he said, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I am sending you.”

thoughts on motherhood

2009-01-05T13:23:00.004-07:00

From Luke 9:48

Whoever recieves this child in my name recieves Me.

He who is least among you all is the one who is great.

Revisiting these thoughts tonight....

2009-01-04T21:47:00.002-07:00

I guess it's time for another post on attitude. : )
That's one of the reasons I started this blog, I guess. I needed a place to vent- to pour out all my feelings like puzzle pieces on a table. I needed to examine them, to turn them over a few times, and figure out where they belong.
We just got back from a one week holiday. It was an awesome experience, and of course, it taught me a few things.
One being, that our life is what we make it. I recently listened to a teaching series by Kenneth Copeland called: You Are The Prophet of Your Own Life. That's sort of the idea I've been working over in my mind: if my life is anything, it has to have had something to do with me. After all, wherever I go, there I am. The parts of my life that I cherish, I birthed them- slaved over them, to bring them into being in my life. The parts of my life I detest, I commit them, like a terrible revolving door I cannot stop. My life is what I make it, good or bad. Let the tree be good, and the fruit good.
Does that make sense? When we were on the holiday, I felt like a tightly wound cord that was slowly letting go. Slowly beginning to see that I could trust God with my life, that I could breath again. It was so refreshing to have the daily pressures off of me, even if for a short period of time. And that is what I mean about attitude- I "see" what I've been given by God to do each day as a pressure. Not a gift.
What are the "menial" things that I do in a day- things that society may look down on, but God is asking me to enjoy? Just looking at the last two days since we got back:
Overseeing toilet issues (cleaning toilets, fishing for things flushed down toilets)
Laundry, Laundry, oh how many laundries.
Listening, and more listening: listening to a six year old (without enough teeth) tell me in rapid fashion about things I am having a hard time understanding. Listening to tween music played loudly from a laptop, which can be transported from room to room. (Why aren't these things precious to me? Moments to be treasure in my bottle, gifts that will never pass my way again? It is attitude. My life is the way I see it.)
Dishes, wipe it up again, pop it in the oven, do the dishes again, ad nauseum (I don't know what ad nauseum means, but it seemed to fit here).
Numerous unremarkable chores for my husband who is hunting...
Getting out of bed (need I say more).
Cooking, and yet not finding something to eat (this I find the hardest, because of a list of reasons too long to mention). What I mean is, that having to alter my diet has not been easy, or fun. It has been rewarding, but this is what I mean about attitude. Sometimes it's hard to work all day serving others, and realize that I didn't plan something for my own meal. I'm just being honest here.
And a dozen other insignificant activities... but!
When I serve the least of these, it is Him I am serving.When I do unto others, it is to be as I would have done unto me.
I must be careful how I measure, because the way I mete is the way it is meted to me.
If I give even a cup of cold water, I will certainly not lose my reward.
I know I've said before that if we are to do something, we tend to believe it first. So, if I want to live something, I need to believe it first. What will my attitude be? I need to go to the Word of God and gain a vision for my life. A road map for the turbulent days ahead. Proverbs says that the ways of Wisdom are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. Lead me in paths of righteousness Lord, for Your own Name's sake.
Jesus said that the eye is the lamp of the body, and that if our eye is good, our whole body will be full of light. I think this means attitude. If I have a positive perspective, my life will be full of joy. But he also said that if the light in us is darkness, how great that darkness. If I store up a negative outlook, it will be oppressive. Attitude. And I choose it. My life is what I make it, I am the prophet of my own life.
And it does apply to health- will I live with an offended, bitter, selfish outlook (and have that manifest in my body), or will I freely give up my life, like Jesus did (and have His resurrection life manifest in my mortal body). He said that unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a single seed, but if it dies, it produces many seeds. He said that if I really love my life, I will lose it for Him, and be glad.
Attitude is important in healing, and it makes life much more pleasant on the way. After all, a cheerful heart has a continual feast, and a merry heart doeth good like a medecine.
Tomorrow is another opportunity.

Overcoming Allergies By Faith (previously posted at "journey on to healing")

2009-01-01T10:50:00.002-07:00

Overcoming Allergies By Faith
Inspired by a post done by Lady of Virtue, on Large Family Mothering, I have been asking myself: could we also EAT in the simplicity of wisdom.
Her post is on grocery shopping in the simplicity of wisdom (a good read, you should stop by) and how what God has given us is blessed: it is sufficient. And what I am meditating on is: shouldn't that be enough for my health too?
If God has given me wheat, shouldn't I be able to eat it? That's not saying that if rice is the same price, that perhaps it wouldn't be wise to buy some brown rice instead, but if the earth is the Lord's and everything in it, isn't wheat also something that He has freely given me to enjoy? Won't he satisfy me with the finest of wheat?
The things we do, the things we believe, the things we act on, begin somewhere deep down on the inside of us in our faith. If we are going to do something, we tend to believe it first. But what if I am believing the wrong way? What if I am believing in wheat's power to harm me? What if I am believing in it's ability to cause pain, inflammation, or digestive upset?
Well, that's fear. Fear is faith in reverse.
The trouble is, most of us have operated in fear most of our lives without realizing it! Our mothers told us not to eat without washing our hands, or we would get sick. They were well intentioned, but we learned to expect "sick". A seed of 'sick' was sown in our lives. They taught us not to eat too many oreos, or we would get sick. Common sense, for sure, but we came to expect that the food that we ate could bring curse, under certain circumstances.
I'm not saying that there is no consequence for an indulgent, gluttonous diet, there is to be certain, but we were never taught to eat our food in faith by thanking the Lord for it, and blessing it by the speaking of His word. We were never taught to eat our food in love by giving of what we had to someone who had less than we. We were never taught to eat our food in moderation or self control (or even self sacrifice): we were taught to clean our plates because there were starving children in China.
We were "taught" that we should live for food. A most important part of a family get together was the chocolate cake, or what you would find in the bottom of your stocking. Food sometimes became a substitute for love.
But what if it didn't have to be that way?
There is a lot on the internet these days about how we should eat organic, unprocessed, naturally fermented, sprouted and soaked, and sourdough, fresh, raw, green something or other. And these ideas are true, and very good. But do these ideas feed the fearful heart? Can I honestly eat my inorganic romaine lettuce (in the knowledge that its irrigation water has been contaminated by rocket fuel) in faith? What if I can't afford the lettuce that is three times as much, or if my conscience won't allow me to? Will I take my 79 cent lettuce home and eat it in discouragement, and hold at the back of my mind the expectation of developing cancer at a later date because of what I am eating?
NO!!! My spirit is so fed up with this bondage! It is time for the children of God to be free, to eat anything sold in the market without question for conscience sake! To go into all the world and lay hands on the sick and see them recover! They could never do that if they had developed cancer from contaminated lettuce; and if you read Matthew 15:18, you'll see that if the believer was to even drink poison, it cannot harm him!
God is not just asking for our common sense here, but more than that. He is asking us to believe and act on His Word. How could the Christian go into all the world and preach the gospel if he was dependant on uncontaminated food? There was a time many years ago when Africa was called the white man's grave, because so many missionaries died the first year they arrived. They would contract malaria, or some other terrible fever and nearly always succumb. God's intention was for them to go and bring the gospel: the word of salvation and healing! Not just to die upon arrival! Is there ANYTHING that by merely going into our mouths should be able to bring death, curse, or disease?
He made his church to be healers, not to be the sick, the dying. We are CHRISTians, little saviors.
How do I live this out? How do I eat if I believe that I can eat anything without getting sick, I can go anywhere without getting sick, and yet my life doesn't look like it? My body doesn't feel like it?
I guess I practice, and I build my faith in what God has said. Remember, if we are want to do it, we can start by believing it first. After all, it worked in reverse-- when I realized that milk products were causing me pain, swelling, diarrhea and sleeplessness, I believed that and acted on it. I stopped drinking milk. If I want to reverse that, I will need to believe in God's powerful blessing on me, more than I believe in milk's power to harm me. After all, all food on earth is imperfect, and contaminated, and yet Jesus called it clean. All food on earth is contaminated by acid rain, by windfall herbicides, by genetic modification and loss of heirloom seeds and varieties. Even if it were not so in some cases, this would mean that only the very rich on earth could expect to receive health from God. If my entire healing were dependent on what I ate, I would have to have money for supplements, special internet orders, and foods that must be shipped to my country by airplane. This in not what is available for most of the planet. BUT, why couldn't I look at what I do have, I mean what is in my pantry right now, and acknowledge that this is food. If it is food, then God Almighty has provided it, and I can eat it.
As I said- practice, practice. Stretch my faith out there, and make sure that the food I do eat, I eat in faith. I bless it, believe it is from God, and believe that it is good. Then wait for the symptoms to line up with what I believe.
If this strikes a chord with you, please feel free to leave a comment. : )

We Can Choose What We Will Say

2008-12-30T10:06:00.004-07:00

A couple of things I ought to remind myself of continually:

Namely: WHAT IS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?

You may not think that what we say has anything to do with depression, but it certainly does have to do with our state of mind, and besides that, Jesus said that it is what comes out of a man's mouth that makes him unclean. Because Jesus believed that words are important, we must believe that they are important too. He also said that whatever is in a man's heart in abundance will overflow out of his mouth, and too, that if we speak; believing that what we say will come to pass, we will have we have said.

This may sound like some superspiritual thing when we read it in the gospels, but really all it means is that-

when you say it, because you believe it, you can expect it to happen. That is the essence of faith, and we practice it ALL THE TIME!

Oh, yes you do. Haven't you ever said "this day just isn't going my way" and then it didn't? You accessed a law of faith. You spoke your certain expectation, and it came to pass in your life because of the law of faith.

This is dangerous. And redeeming. You see, we all have a choice! I can wake up feeling lousy, and cry out inside: "God, why aren't you helping me?!", or I can say nothing, think nothing, but turn on my bedside lamp and prop up my devotion book beside me. After around 15 minutes of this, I've put something worthwhile in my heart, to come out of my mouth. Now I will still read my bible, but sometimes I need to come to God and meditate His promises before I'm even ready to get out of bed. Then I am ready to say "God, even though I don't feel it right now, I believe You. I know that You have helped me because Your word says that You are with me, and know how to deliver me out of trials." Then, I have taken my focus off of my self, and my feelings, and have placed it on God and His promises.

Proverbs 12:13

An evil man is ensnared by the transgression of his lips, but the righteous escapes from trouble.

Proverbs 12:14

From the fruit of his mouth a man is satisfied with good, and the work of a man's hand comes back to him.

Proverbs 12:18

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 12:19

Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.

Proverbs 12:20

Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but those who plan peace have joy.

Proverbs 12:25

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Proverbs 12:28

In the path of righteousness is life, and in its pathway there is no death.

These verses speak to me not only about what I am saying, but WHAT AM I THINKING?

Vs. 20 says that those who plan peace have joy. So am I perpetuating depressed and discouraging thoughts, or did I make a point of planning peace? Thinking on what I can do to increase peace in my home?

Vs. 25 says that anxiety weighs a man down. Yes, there are "anxious things" that take place all around us, but we still have the choice! It says that a good word makes a man glad! We still have the choice of how we will react, what will we think, what will we say!

I didn't say it is easy- it isn't. In fact, we are utterly dependant on the Holy Spirit to live this kind of life. A life that chooses joy.

Easy Raw Recipe (and milk substitute)

2008-12-27T10:10:00.005-07:00

Banana Hemp Milk (one serving)

Combine in blender: one frozen organic banana, one cup water, and two tablespoons raw hemp seeds. Blend till frothy, and use immediately. Works great over granola!

(This recipe works best with a vitamix, but any blender should be able to blend up the hemp seeds, seeing as they are soft.) I suspect that this recipe would not keep, since the banana would turn brown. : )

Hemp seeds are a great raw, vegan food; and ideal to use in "milk". They contain healthy fats, are high in protein, and contain iron! They are available at any health food store, and should be purchased fresh, then refrigerated. When fresh, they should have a very mild taste, and virtually no smell. They are a good food to introduce to children, seeing as a tiny amount can be added to other foods, and they don't have a strong flavor.

There really is hope!

2008-12-19T20:43:00.002-07:00

Jesus said: all who seek truth come to Me. Aren't you glad that you can do an internet search and find pages like this one? How good to hear the truth, and to feed our hope that there truly is healing available through Jesus Christ. Take a look.

We Choose What Will Pressure Us

2008-12-04T08:24:00.005-07:00

We can choose what will pressure us. Whatever goes on inside of us mentally, spiritually, or emotionally to the greatest degree, is what pressures us. If a person is afraid of airplanes, but they know that in three days they have to make a flight to be at their grandmother's funeral, those thoughts become a pressure inside of them: a voice that is pushing, squeezing, tormenting.

If a woman is depressed and haggard from lack of sleep, and her baby is sick; waking her up for the fourth time that night... Those emotions become a pressure inside of her. A volcano of pressure and emotion. A time bomb of emotional stress ticking inside of her.

Well, maybe I am exaggerating, but we've all been there. Stuck in a situation we don't know how to find our way out of, but like Eustace in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, we hear a little voice inside of us saying "Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!!!"

The pressure, the volcano feeling isn't entirely wrong- it is designed to make us do something- to do something to remedy our situation. The pressure is designed to make us take action. The trouble is that there are two types of pressure, and if we don't choose the right kind, we will end up with the other by default.

Our Heavenly Father is a gentleman. Yes, He is Almighty, but He is gentle- He doesn't force Himself on anyone. He gives every human being on earth the choice of whether we will believe in Him or not. The devil isn't like that. He doesn't wait to see if you will choose him, or if you believe in him. He is not a gentleman, and he is happy to take advantage of your ignorance. He is a thief, a liar, and he has nothing better to do than to come up with pressures for your life.

Now, being as we live in a fallen, temporal, material world, there will be pressures that come without much effort on anybody's part- it's the second law of thermodynamics- when you do nothing, it will still decay. Even an empty house will decay if left alone. What is orderly will become disorderly without intervention. And so, not everything that happens in the world is to be blamed on satan, but it still leaves us with the responsibility to choose which pressures we will allow in our lives. Good, or bad.

We take authority over the pressures that come, by creating a newer, stronger, higher pressure on the inside of us, and what pressures us to the greatest degree will be what comes out of us in abundance, and takes place in our lives. Maybe you grew up in an abusive, alcoholic home, and now you find yourself yelling at your children, even though you hate it. You are simply letting out the pressure that was built up in you all those years over your childhood. You need to choose a different pressure, you have to purposely change what is on the inside of you in abundance.

The bible calls that "renewing your mind". We do that by taking the word of God into our eyes, into our ears, into our hearts. But wait! I have to tell you, that going to church on Sunday is not enough to store that new pressure, that new information inside of you to so great a degree that it will come out of you in times of pressure- so that you can count on it to come to pass in your life. Your pastor cannot give you the whole counsel of God in one sermon- you need to have a relationship with it yourself.

After I was healed of my depression, I still felt continually plagued by depressed thoughts. Why? If I was well, and truly felt happy and satisfied, then why did I have those awful thoughts still pressuring, trying to get into my mind?

Well, for one thing, it was a habit. For 20 years I had been storing up negative, defeated thinking in my mind, my emotions, and my actions. It was like being addicted to bad thoughts! For another (as I mentioned above), satan is willing to take ahold of any area he is given. If I would have given in at that point, and yielded to those thoughts, I would have easily thought my way back into a serious depression.

BUT! I resisted those thoughts. I didn't know much how to do that, but Lydia told me to say "I reject that thought, in Jesus' name!" What does that mean? It means that I took hold of a power greater than the one I had- the power of the name of Jesus Christ, the Lord. It also means that I took authority over those thoughts to cast them out of my mind, just as if it was Jesus doing it Himself. I could do that, because I had become a believer in Christ. I believed in Jesus as my Lord, and my Savior.

Did it work? Yes, but not the short answer. During that season in my life, I wasn't only engaged in rejecting thoughts, I was engaged in storing up new thoughts. I played worship music in the house all the time- storing up happy attitudes, and thankful phrases in my emotions. I read my bible EVERY morning, storing up thoughts and words of victory in my mind, and developing a new plan of action. I read stories like: the Lord bringing the Israelites out of bondage (the way he did for me), and I read the psalms, about how the Lord made David stronger than, and victorious over his enemies (like he did for me). I read about Jesus, about how he healed people, and delivered them from demons (just like He did me). So, when I was being pressured on the outside by depressing thoughts, a needy two year old, and attacks of satan all at the same time... It came to a head. It came to my volcano moment, but this time, there was something new on the inside of me to come out of my mouth, and come to pass in my life! I went for a walk out in the field that day (a run, really), and screamed at the top of my lungs: I AM NOT CRAZY!! I AM NOT CRAZY!!! I screamed it with everything that was in me, and in a culmination of all the pressure I had been experiencing, but also with all of the strength of God that I had been storing up inside of me through His word, and His Spirit.

And you know what? Those thoughts left me that very day. They never came back.

Praise God. We can choose which will be our greatest pressure, and it will be for our benefit.

No Excuses Today

2008-12-01T06:55:00.005-07:00

Again, I am writing this mostly to myself: Today you have no excuses.

(My flesh doesn't like it when I say that kind of thing.)

But I was reading Isaiah 40:27-31...

Isaiah 40:27-31 (English Standard Version)
27Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD, and my right is disregarded by my God"?

28Have you not known? Have you not heard?The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.

29He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.

30Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

31but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

I used to go over scriptures like that a lot after I was first healed (and especially when I had a baby who was waking me up at night), but I think that over the last 11 years I got distracted. I thought I had it all together, and wasn't focusing on scriptures like that as much. But now I see that my neglect of them brings me back to them, desiring their truth with fresh urgency: I need Almighty God to give me power today! I need Jesus Christ to increase my strength! AND, it says He WILL. Therefore I have no excuse. Yes, I may feel like I "just can't do it", and there may even be legitimate reasons for believing that I can't, but the word of God is a higher truth, and the word says that if I will wait on (tend to, pay attention to, yield to, and serve) God, I will renew my strength and mount up! Have you ever seen an eagle or a hawk soaring in an updraft? Here in southern Alberta you can see that kind of thing a lot. God is saying that He will be the "wind beneath our wings". Not just a song, but true spiritual power, and when we truly rely on Him, we will find that we can do it after all: we will run and not give way to exaustion. We will walk on, without giving up.

Today, we can do what we've been given to do, no excuses!

The Bible is My Coping Mechanism

2008-11-29T12:06:00.004-07:00

I'm writing mostly to myself these days- the more I store it up in my heart and mind, the more it will ooze out of me when pressure comes. People are like sponges- when you squeeze them, they leak out whatever is on the inside.

Pressures tend to arise. Jesus said: "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world." That's what I was thinking about this morning. That if Jesus has overcome the world, then He is the One I want. I choose to be on His team.

We can choose our coping mechanism. God has delegated to man a fearful authority, to choose our own destiny. We choose the words of our mouths, we choose the beliefs of our hearts. Often people cry out to God "Help me! God, DO SOMETHING!" And yet, we have created our own lives. We are master of our domain. A man messes up his own life and then he blames God.

Is that true, can we be blamed for the situations we are in?? Well... Even when we are in situations that seem beyond our control, we know what Jesus has warned us: Offenses will come. But He has given us the choice of whom we will call on.

It's not that God is unwilling to help. But remember, He gave us His instruction manual, the bible, and He has offered us His Spirit, if we will only recieve. He has graciously offered us NEW LIFE in His Son, so that even if we live in a world where offenses and troubles come, we can know that we don't live here for this life only. Our time here is the precursor to the life to come. The REAL LIFE. Our hope is not just for the here and now!

But what do we do for the here and now? We are placed in an awkward position: we are born again spirit beings with a home in heaven, but left to battle fleshly desires, attacks of the devil, and the general thoughtlessness and selfishness of those around us. We need some freedom! We need some hope! We need some encouragement!

My bible is my coping mechanism. And yet, that small earthy phrase doesn't even begin to some up what it means to me. It is so much more than that. It is my life. I have become addicted to the bible.

Yes, you do have coping mechanisms. You do have addictions. We all do. When we feel like we want to eat and eat and eat until we feel better, we are trying to cope. We are trying to lean on something, to depend on something. When we want to go outside for a smoke, when we "need" a drink, when we JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE... We all turn to SOMETHING.

When I read my bible, I feel different. My blood sugar levels out, my pain diminishes, my symptoms leave. I believe what it says: I believe that it is health to my whole body. But not just that- I believe that it is LIFE to me. I believe that it is a Living Personality. I believe that when I read the bible, it is God speaking to me. I believe that when I say what it says, that I am being the prophet of my own life. Not a mere spectator to the things that come, but through speaking the word, I put a bit in the horses mouth, I harness my own life.

I believe that the word of God changes my circumstances, orders my day, and intervenes on my behalf. I believe that the word of God is not merely stories, but an action, a power, a SPIRITUAL SUBSTANCE. A weapon! I believe that the word of God is a COVENANT. I believe that the word of God will do what it says!

I'm not talking about religeon, I am speaking of a living, divine relationship. God. The Word. Wisdom. The Spirit of Christ. Living bread, Living water. Oh how I love God's word.

Yes, you have power to choose your coping mechanism. If you are coping right now by hiding under the covers, by weeping, by abusing, then know this: the word of God has the power to change you, if you will only open the door.

Psalm 18 (Contemporary English Version)
1I love you, LORD God,
and you make me strong.
2You are my mighty rock, [a] my fortress, my protector,
the rock where I am safe,
my shield,
my powerful weapon, [b] and my place of shelter.
3I praise you, LORD!
I prayed, and you rescued me
from my enemies.
4Death had wrapped
its ropes around me,
and I was almost swallowed
by its flooding waters.
5Ropes from the world
of the dead
had coiled around me,
and death had set a trap
in my path.
6I was in terrible trouble
when I called out to you,
but from your temple
you heard me
and answered my prayer.
7The earth shook and shivered,
and the mountains trembled
down to their roots.
You were angry
8and breathed out smoke.
Scorching heat and fiery flames
spewed from your mouth.
9You opened the heavens
like curtains,
and you came down
with storm clouds
under your feet.
10You rode on the backs
of flying creatures
and swooped down
with the wind as wings.
11Darkness was your robe;
thunderclouds filled the sky,
hiding you from sight.
12Hailstones and fiery coals
lit up the sky
in front of you.
13LORD Most High, your voice
thundered from the heavens,
as hailstones and fiery coals
poured down like rain.
14You scattered your enemies
with arrows of lightning.
15You roared at the sea,
and its deepest channels
could be seen.
You snorted,
and the earth shook
to its foundations.
16You reached down from heaven,
and you lifted me
from deep in the ocean.
17You rescued me from enemies,
who were hateful
and too powerful for me.
18On the day disaster struck,
they came and attacked,
but you defended me.
19When I was fenced in,
you freed and rescued me
because you love me.
20You are good to me, LORD,
because I do right,
and you reward me
because I am innocent.
21I do what you want
and never turn to do evil.
22I keep your laws in mind
and never look away
from your teachings.
23I obey you completely
and guard against sin.
24You have been good to me
because I do right;
you have rewarded me
for being innocent
by your standards.
25You are always loyal
to your loyal people,
and you are faithful
to the faithful.
26With all who are sincere,
you are sincere,
but you treat the unfaithful
as their deeds deserve.
27You rescue the humble,
but you put down all
who are proud.
28You, the LORD God,
keep my lamp burning
and turn darkness to light.
29You help me defeat armies
and capture cities.
30Your way is perfect, LORD,
and your word is correct.
You are a shield for those
who run to you for help.
31You alone are God!
Only you are a mighty rock. [c] 32You give me strength
and guide me right.
33You make my feet run as fast
as those of a deer,
and you help me stand
on the mountains.
34You teach my hands to fight
and my arms to use
a bow of bronze.
35You alone are my shield.
Your right hand supports me,
and by coming to help me,
you have made me famous.
36You clear the way for me,
and now I won't stumble.
37I kept chasing my enemies,
until I caught them
and destroyed them.
38I stuck my sword
through my enemies,
and they were crushed
under my feet.
39You helped me win victories,
and you forced my attackers
to fall victim to me.
40You made my enemies run,
and I killed them.
41They cried out for help,
but no one saved them;
they called out to you,
but there was no answer.
42I ground them to dust
blown by the wind,
and I poured them out
like mud in the streets.
43You rescued me
from stubborn people,
and you made me the leader
of foreign nations,
who are now my slaves.
44They obey and come crawling.
45They have lost all courage,
and from their fortresses,
they come trembling.
46You are the living LORD!
I will praise you.
You are a mighty rock. [d] I will honor you
for keeping me safe.
47You took revenge for me,
and you put nations
in my power.
48You protected me
from violent enemies
and made me much greater
than all of them.
49I will praise you, LORD,
and I will honor you
among the nations.
50You give glorious victories
to your chosen king.
Your faithful love for David
and for his descendants
will never end.

Your Word, My Daily Food

2008-09-01T19:40:00.004-06:00

I know I've posted this link (to a list of healing scriptures) before, but thought I'd do it again, because I've been using these scriptures and confessions a lot lately. What I did was print them off and I keep them in a binder: studying a page or so a day- saying them to myself, praying them. I love to underline things and write notes in the margins.

I find that since all my life I was in a rut of expecting to get sick and having health problems, that now although I am healed, and know it, I need to keep reminding myself that this is how I am going to stay. I need to build a stronghold of health on the inside of me, and keep renewing my mind. It's easy to think sick, talk sick, and feel sick, if you aren't using the armour God gave you, and staying in health on purpose. I choose to create a stronghold of health around myself and my family, on purpose. God is gracious to meet me when I come to Him. When I call on Him for help, He is with me, and delivers me.

Here's the link, I am so blessed and impressed with this resource.

Today, I Give You Thanks in Advance

2008-08-22T08:11:00.003-06:00

I want to give You thanks at the beginning. Even ahead of time.

I face a day in a fallen world. A world where the prince of the power of the air has access to my thought life, and nothing other to do than spend his time attempting to steal, kill, and destroy.

Well, I am going to thank You. I am going to build a fortress of love, and grace, and thanksgiving around my family, and that wicked one will not touch us.

I thank You sincerely for the Word of God. If I could think of the most monumental thing that has ever been given me, it would be this Lord. That I can have Your word for myself, know what it says, mutter it to myself in weak moments, speak it in faith during the strong ones. I live in the same world where Hitler lived, Stalin lived, to which satan has been cast down. And in this world, I have a sword of protection, a fortress to hide in, and wings to take shelter under.

I thank You that even in darkness, You are light. Even in my sins and failures, You never leave me or forsake me. You have given me more than I could have imagined, more than I could ever deserve.

You shape me, You work all things together for my good. You are HERE. INSIDE of me. You are Faithful, Healer, Life-giver, Redeemer, Restorer, Father, and Mother to me. You are my husband, my lover, my obsession, my passion. All that I have is Yours, and yet I could never give enough, and never come to an end of what I have to give.

And you gave everything. You came into this world. This dark place wrought with decay and death where mothers kill their own babies, cannibalistic tribes commit murder against each other without conscience, where death and rot takes place everyday, and where sin, sickness, death and satan and fear have lodged themselves.

And YOU came HERE, and gave YOURSELF in my place! How could I not today give MYSELF in the place of another- forgiving that one, serving this other one, when they don't deserve it either.

but it isn't about whether or not we deserve it with you.

it's about whether or not you were willing to give.

"I am willing, be clean."

O Father, what can I say? Today, let me be Your instrument of grace. Speak, forgive, serve, heal through me. Do all that you would do for these your children in this dark place through me, because even the darkness is as light to you.

Oh how I love You, Lord Jesus.

Return

2008-08-19T08:22:00.003-06:00

I have been thinking about Love, and my first love for Him. Been playing with the words in Revelation over and over in my mind: remember the height from which you have fallen. Repent, and do as you did at first.

I have been so grouchy, so totally irritated. So with head on desk, during a private moment in the office, I asked Him: What? What do I need to do to have JOY? And the answer on the inside of me: Love for Jesus brings joy. To the extent that you love Me, to that extent you will know joy.

So I play with that, turning it over in my mind, examining it from every angle. And it holds. I remember when I first came to know Him, to know that He is Love, that He loves me. And everything was bright, beautiful, full of joy. The hardships weren't less then, but the pressures couldn't get past the joy- the love I had for Him.

And then I think- that whatever I do for Him, I do for the least of these. That when I receive a little child in His name, I welcome Him. And He says, Repent, and do as you did at first.

He didn't say, feel as you did at first, but do.

I hugged more. I embraced more. Forgave more. Started again more. I smiled more- prayed more. I hungered for Him more, and went to greater lengths. Everything with Him was an adventure, and He sustained me. Yes, there were terrible times, but nothing ever got between Him and me. I loved more.

I remember the height from which I have fallen, but will I do as I did? Obey as I did then? Quickly, with total trust? Will I love and smile, and serve in true humility? Will I come to Him, just to be with Him?

One of the things I did then was to keep a gratitude journal. This was truly a life transforming experience for me. (Drop by Holy Experience, and see Ann Voskamp's 1000 gifts list.) I did this each night, faithfully, no matter the hour. But the more children that came, the less I worked on my journal. The less I gave thanks. When the children were all older, I never took it up again. Will I repent and do as I did at first? Will I give Him thanks?

I thank You for a sweltering day of summer heat. Growing tomatoes and green baby pumpkins. I thankyou for swimming, laughing children. Thankyou for a bikeride: time to talk to You, and to be alone. Exercise, to help my hormones! Thankyou for ten pounds of dripping red watermelon, for early morning wake up calls (Thankyou Holy Spirit!). Thank you for the husband you chose for me, and that You also chose me for Him. Thankyou for the first day of homeschool, and for slow easy adjustments. Thankyou for grace to begin again today.

Thankyou Father, for every good and perfect gift is from You.

Seeing Him in Small Things

2008-08-16T20:50:00.004-06:00

Bright sun sparkling bright off of water, reminding me that God is light, pure light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.

A lawn chair in shade, and a chance to read Proverbs. Time to renew my mind.

Finding wild mint, fresh, and invigorating, reminding me that all of life is fragrant, and He means for us to drink it in.

A flat rock to sit on, and a tree to sit under. Everthing around me green- he makes this world a lush place, a garden for us to enjoy.

Children laughing, running, swimming with their dad and their dog. I'm so glad that their lives are care free.

Wild grain, heavy and drooping with seed, telling us that all of life is perpetual. More, and fruitful life, each year that passes.

He reminds me that unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a single seed. But if it dies and is buried it will produce many seeds.

Am I willing today, to die to my Self, and see new life come from it? Do I trust Him that this is what He has done for me?

Thankyou Lord, for a day with no pain, and no disease. Thankyou for a day of doing things that I felt like I couldn't do. Thankyou for letting me hear your voice, when all the pressures around me were saying something else.

Most of all, thankyou that I am not alone, because You are with me. You are my Lord, Jesus.

Guard My Life, For I Am Devoted to You

2008-08-14T07:19:00.004-06:00

Psalm 86 (New International Version)

A prayer of David.

1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me,

for I am poor and needy.
2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.

You are my God; save your servant

who trusts in you.
3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,

for I call to you all day long.
4 Bring joy to your servant,

for to you, O Lord,

I lift up my soul.
5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord,

abounding in love to all who call to you.
6 Hear my prayer, O LORD;

listen to my cry for mercy.
7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you,

for you will answer me.
8 Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;

no deeds can compare with yours.
9 All the nations you have made

will come and worship before you, O Lord;

they will bring glory to your name.
10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;

you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. [a]
14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God;

a band of ruthless men seeks my life—

men without regard for you.
15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,

slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;

grant your strength to your servant

and save the son of your maidservant. [b]
17 Give me a sign of your goodness,

that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,

for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

Fasting With Young Children at Home

2008-08-11T11:25:00.004-06:00

Fasting is something that a lot of people assume they cannot do. Especially someone battling depression. If we knew how beneficial are the things the Lord asks of us, we would not hesitate, but often we don't see the results until during, and then after the fast. Nevertheless, often an encouragement or desire to fast will come up, and what then? How can a mother with young children at home (or a mother who is post partum, or battling depression) possibly fast?

First, I encourage you to recognize that you can. All things are possible to him who believes. If you have tried fasting before, and had a negative experience, or if you have kept saying "I can't fast, I have _____.", then I encourage you to reexamine things as we discuss fasting. It may not be so unattainable as you think.

First of all, peoples from every nation and time period have always fasted. We North Americans can do it too.

Second, it is so beneficial to your health, and your relationship with Jesus, that it should be obligatory- at least once in awhile.

Now thirdly, let me soften the blow with some practical advice, which will give you a vision of how fasting is possible, if you want to.

A mother with young children at home to take care of can fast, but she will have to lay aside her expectations for a day. You may need to rest for most of the day, so plan to serve the children simple meals, like yogurt and bananas for breakfast, pb&j for lunch (use healthy wholegrain bread, and raw honey if you like). For supper, put something easy in the crockpot (like a chicken) so hubby doesn't feel neglected when he comes home hungry.

Next, you will have to plan to spend time on the couch reading books to your little loved ones. You will probably need to take out of storage some special toys that haven't been played with for awhile, so the kids have an entertaining day. You will probably have to resort to some vegitales videos from the library.

This day isn't a day for you to tackle the laundry, but it isn't an excuse to be lazy. Read your bible as much as you can. Lay on the floor with the kids (so they can enjoy your presence) and read your bible while they play.

For a mom with many babies, a water fast (which I was referring to above) may not work. But you can fast with raw fruit and vegetable juices, which will help you have the energy you need to take care of babies, and will still provide the health and spiritual benefits you desire. If you have no access to raw juices, you could probable find carrot juice in the salad section of your grocery store- then just water down four ounces of this and drink every 3 hours or so. In a real pinch, you could use unsweetened rice milk, although this alters your blood sugar more than raw juice.

Fasting isn't the same as not fasting, and that's ok. We just need to make allowance for the differences. Turn the phone off, use paper plates for the kids, and remember: the fast will be over someday, but the benefits will remain. : )

If none of these possibilities work, you can still fast!!! Fast from McDonald's please. Fast from Coke, and coffee! Whatever you do, fast from sugar! Fast from wheat for awhile, and refined fats. You can do something.

If diet is a concern (health concerns), you can still fast! You can fast from TV. You can fast from the Internet. Fast from what takes up the bulk of your time, and then offer that time to the Lord in prayer, and biblestudy. Fasting is a time that we listen to Him, not try to get Him to pay attention to us. When we listen, we are not disappointed. Some of your sweetest times with the Lord, or your most momentous breakthroughs may happen when fasting- simply because you have turned your heart to Him to hear.

If it all looks too big, then just fast your last meal of the day, and then the kids are going to bed soon anyway. You can curl up in bed with your bible not long after they drop off.

Jesus Himself said that we would fast.

Be encouraged that if the Lord has put this on your heart to do, then all things are possible to them that believe.

Blessings on you, In Jesus' name!

-Liberty.

Patience Wins Out

2008-08-09T07:35:00.003-06:00

Here's another good one on curtailing your emotions:

Proverbs 16:32 Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.

I love this verse. In the face of the battles that come our way, we can know that patience, and perseverance will be better to us than warring. I love that God always makes it simple for us- He doesn't need us to be skilled at war, just to be immovably patient, and to trust in His love.

Mommies, be patient with your little kids today, and see God move on your behalf.

Fighting the Good Fight of JOY!

2008-08-08T08:32:00.004-06:00

I spent a lot of time awake last night, struggling with my thoughts. By the time I woke up this morning, I came to a conclusion. Satan cannot lick me.

Why not? I am Christ's, and Christ destroyed him who had the power of death (that is, the devil) and through Christ I take part in that victory. I am already the winner, if I don't quit.

I read a bit in proverbs this morning- always a good place to read when you need to curtail your emotions.

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Sometimes I hate the strife and bickering that can happen with four children at home all day. This says I can lead with a gentle answer, and turn away anger.

Proverbs 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

So it's my choice today, if I will talk about myself as if I am well, or if I will say what the devil says (which is usually: you'll die young, you must have cancer, you are very afraid... The usual rigamarole). But that kind of talk crushes the spirit. This very day, I can use my tongue to speak healing in my home, to my body, to those around me. This will in turn produce more and more life and health.

Proverbs 15:13 A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.

Again, this is my choice. It may not seem like it at first, after all, if I don't have a happy heart, then there's nothing I can do, right? Not so. I am a spirit, created in the image of God. I tell my heart what to do, think, and feel. It doesn't tell me. David said in the psalms, "Bless the Lord, o my soul"! I must tell my heart today how it's going to be. I did that before I even got out of bed. Today is going to be a good day, and I am going to be cheerful. Even if I don't feel it on the inside, I will SMILE.

If heartache crushes the spirit, I will not meditate on any places of heartache. I will bring them before the Lord, like Much Afraid did, and then leave them there as a sacrifice. I don't need to carry heartaches around with me and let them needle me all day.

Proverbs 15:15 All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.

He wouldn't have mentioned this if I had no choice about it. What good is it to be oppressed, and then have God tell you that the rest of your life will be wretched? No! I WILL have a cheerful heart, and thus, a continual feast! (For help with this, go over to Ann Voskamp's Gratitude Journal, and see how life can truly begin to be a continual feast, newly refreshed each day.)

Proverbs 15:16-17 Better a little with the fear of the Lord, than great wealth with turmoil. Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.

*Better is little accomplished, and a simple meal eaten in fellowship, than a harried mother, and a snarly supper.

Verse 18 A hot tempered man (or mommy) stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.

*Blessed are the peacemaking mommies, for they will be called the daughters of God.

19 The way of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway.

This one bothered me at first. Whenever I read it it says to me: your way is blocked due to your lack of true devotion. I may not like hearing that, but I praise God that He keeps saying it, because I do want the path of the upright: a highway.

Proverbs 15:30 A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.

I here have the opportunity to do for my children what will give them a joyful heart (giving my cheerful looks) but also this benefits me, because who doesn't love the adoring gaze of a smiling child. It's like a reciprocal circle. I sow smiles, gratitude, joy, and I get it back from them. Isn't that how we could be with God? Last night I felt angry at God, bitter. Couldn't I instead come to Him in childlike faith, and say, "Lord, I believe in You, I rejoice in all You do. You are a good God, and I am happy to know You." I suspect that then my late night stewing would have quelled. Blaming God for what very well may be my own fault just isn't a source of peace. Coming to Him and acknowledging His true goodness is. It helps us to trust Him, and when we use our faith, it pleases God. (By the way, I should have just gotten out of bed and read my bible, rather than lying there stewing. I've learned this lesson before, but I guess last night was a refresher.)

Lastly:

Proverbs 15:29 The Lord is far from the wicked but He hears the prayer of the righteous.

The Word tells me that I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. This verse is for me. He hears (gives audience to) my prayers. This is cause to rejoice. I have no reason to be bitter today. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so.

Learning to Praise Him

2008-08-06T12:48:00.003-06:00

Psalm 42:11 (King James Version)
11Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

Yes, I will praise Him, the Source of my mental health, the Healer of my body, and Restorer of my life. I will praise Him, who changes my attitudes, the look on my face, and the secret thoughts and intentions of my heart.

I praise You Father, for:

all the good you did in my life today that I saw and didn't see. Thankyou for the blessings that are so visible, like yellow sunflowers, red raspberries, delicate honey bees, and wispy thistledown on wind. But I also thankyou for the invisible blessings of today, like angels to guard and protect my children, safety from harm that never occured, and deliverance from sickness that can't even get close to us.

Thankyou for all the things I heard and didn't hear. For late night conversations, filled with plans and visions for the future. For children singing nearby. Thanyou for the sound of water against windows. But also, thankyou for no bad news today; no arguing; no words to tear down the bridges we are building in this family.

Thankyou for feelings: that this world is so real, and poignant, and sometimes painful. Not that I am thankful for pain, but for the ability today to experience joy, and amazement, yet also to cry and release frustration when neccessary. Thankyou for the opportunities to enfold a loved one in my arms, but also for the times to be alone, locked away with You in prayer. Thankyou for change, for seasons, for contrast. Thankyou for sameness, predictability, routine!

Thankyou that I see you all around me, even when I know I've turned my back to you, you've never turned your back to me.

Thankyou for this day.

Psalm 42
1As the deer panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God.
2My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?
3My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?
4When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me: for I had gone with the multitude, I went with them to the house of God, with the voice of joy and praise, with a multitude that kept holyday.
5Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.
6O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar.
7Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterfalls: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me.
8Yet the LORD will command his lovingkindness in the day time, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
9I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
10As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?
11Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.

Thought I'd bring this one up again... (it was on my heart.)

2008-08-01T22:00:00.001-06:00

The Prayer
How can I take this bottle inside me and pour it out to You in a way that will mean something? How do I take all that is in my heart, and explain it to You when I don't know how to put it in words? I know the bible says You store up my tears in your bottle; what about the constant ache inside me, somewhere to deep for me to truly access? Can I come to You without words, and know that I've been heard?
There are too many things that have hurt me so deeply. And I know that You know. In that knowing, (knowing that You know how it hurts, how deep was the cut) can there be a taking away of the injury, a resurrection that comes from this death? Can Your life come, and fill me so completely that I don't even remember the pain?
I want to know You more than I do. I want to stop being so fake. I want to be free, I mean really and truly free, so that the old black cloud of testing thoughts can't come to hover over me when I'm alone.
Is it really all me? If I would let go of the hurt, and never allow my mind to wander there... would it really cease to hurt? Is there a way for this loss to be only gain? Father, must there be a loss?
I wish it wasn't so. I wish that I could leave this place of retreat, and live with all my might. That I wouldn't cower, and even worse, NOT CARE. I want to leave Lazy behind, and find a Spark in my soul that is so contrary to the world around me.
What are the desires that You have placed in me, and which ones are just mine? How can I see how you are leading me?
And yet, sometimes You surprise me, and the suffering is gone without my knowing how. The struggle is gone, as if it simply dissappeared without my knowing it, like a mist that was blown away, like a foam on the beach that nobody missed when the tide returned and whisked it away.
How long is my life? What do I have to do here? Lord, will I get it all done? I have wasted so much time, and been so disobedient to You.
Some days I see Your hand on my life so clearly, and I KNOW, I just KNOW. Other days, I am bogged down by the weight of my own emotions, pelted by the winds of my feelings.
I didn't know that this was what it would be like Lord. But now that I know, I want to live a life of praise. Lord, make of me a joyful woman, a woman who is beautiful and remembered because of her smile. Lord, redeem this time with my children, and help me to make every day count!
I know that at the end of this life, I will regret every squabble I had with my husband, every stubborn act of my will that drove us apart. Refresh our love, Lord, like a fire. Wash away the grit and dust of the years, and make of me a beautiful woman. A woman who gives up her very life.
But mostly, Jesus, I want You. I want to be near you, to be your partner. I want Your love so rich, and real in my family. I want Your joy. I want to spend this life, on this earth, in perpetual joy, and total abandon.
I've uncorked the bottle, I know You're listening....
Lord, I am listening.

Healed of Demonic Depression. ("Crazy")

2008-08-01T21:04:00.005-06:00

This morning in the shower I was thinking about "CRAZY" (a word that often tries to sneak around the thought life of someone who battles depression) and I wanted to share these thoughts with you.

I was thinking about what I'd been listening to in Kenneth Copeland's teaching "Healing, it is Always God's Will". He shares a story about how his son John recieved healing (through his faith) from a serious ailment, and how through that experience he came to understand that the devil is "crazy". Crazy meaning, he doesn't follow the rules if they're not inforced. Crazy meaning psychotic, and with murderous intent. Yes, we'd have to say the devil is crazy.

Then I was thinking about how God has a sound mind. Makes sense, doesn't it? If I am God's, and have nothing to do with the devil, then I have nothing to do with crazy. I don't speak it about myself, don't see myself that way, don't use the word in jest or in passing. I don't inherit it for any reason.

Yes, I stop thinking about myself that way, and replace self-deprecating thoughts with thoughts about God, and His greatness. I replace those thoughts with thoughts of praise to God for His power, and thanksgiving for all He has done for me in Christ. I replace those "crazy" thoughts with Word based thoughts: I have a spirit of a sound mind- all things are possible to them that believe.

All those disruptive thoughts that the enemy fires at my mind; all the complaining voices that my flesh offers up: these do not mean crazy.

I also thought of what I've been reading in "Peace Child", by Don Richardson. He was a missionary to canniballistic tribes in Irian Jaya (East New Guinea at the time, I think). The terrible oppression, demon possession, and bondage that those people experienced before the gospel: living in constant fear; always witnessing death, gore and blood; having minds that were driven by grief, and a lust for revenge. That was.... crazy. To be controlled by demonic forces-- that isn't "sound".

Which leads to this point: has the gospel which brings soundness of mind come to you? Have you decided Who holds your allegiance?

When we accept Christ, we aquire the mind of Christ. Why? Because He took our place. John 3:16. We were in sin, and in bondage to satan (every one of us, because our father Adam sinned, and we were sold as slaves to sin), and Jesus took our punishment on Himself, when He died on the cross. He took all of our unsoundness, and gave us all of His wholeness- His righteousness. His deliverance. When we recieve His Spirit, then He displaces all else. We then belong to the demons and the darkness no longer.

Will the demons go away if you accept Jesus sacrifice, if you acknowledge Him as Lord? And will they stop talking to you?

Yes. But occasionally, they will come back just to check if you still mean it. Remember, satan is crazy, and doesn't obey the rules unless they are inforced. (God's word is the Rule, and we inforce it by speaking it out, in faith, and in the Name of Jesus.) You resist demons and their twisted thinking with the Name of Jesus, with the Blood of Christ, and with the Word of God, and everything in it. If you are a new Christian, and don't know what's in the bible, that's ok- just start now! Read it every day, and speak it aloud. Pray aloud (in the name of Jesus) daily, there is authority in your words as a believer in Christ.

Then: God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power; love; and a sound mind.

He hasn't given you a spirit that puts you in bondage again, but a spirit of sonship, of freedom! You belong to Him! Because He set you free for freedom, you must resist bondage, and be not yoked again with slavery or depravity. Leave behind EVERYTHING associated with a depressed, discouraged, or distracted mind. Throw it out for good. : )

As believers, we have the mind of Christ, and a mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.

In Proverbs He tells us: above all else, guard your heart. He said this because you would need to.

Does the need to guard your heart against crazy thoughts mean you are crazy? Not at all, it means you are staying sound! If someone throws garbage over your fence, you just throw it back out, and build a higher fence. When we stay in His word daily, we are building our high fence. The name of the Lord Jesus is a strong tower- you can run into it and be saved.

A Heart Transformed

2008-08-01T09:15:00.004-06:00

Something's been changing in me, something on the inside. Like a cracking, a creaking, and a breaking up of ice, I have been yielding.

Like a glacier, and you cannot see its motion, but it is moving none the less, and driven by an unstoppable force.

Yet He is so gentle, never pushing, only leading and encouraging, and praise God, He is disciplining.

I didn't know discipline when I was young. I thought I did- I got enough spankings- I was a "good girl".

But I didn't know that discipline isn't what happens when you are "bad", but it is the constant, consistent shaping of a life, the gentle guiding of the potter with his clay. The clay is unaware of the gentle shaping, the liquid touch, but it is formed according to the will of the one who makes it.

I am glad now to know His discipline. That when everything on the inside of me is rebelling, and everything on the outside of me is spewing out poison of self- then is He shaping, grinding, sanding, and blowing away the dust.

What changed I think, is the same thing that is often changing- often I have strayed from my dedication to His word, and stayed in it merely to be a good girl. To avoid punishment. But what do you do with a God who doesn't punish, but is waiting on your attention?

What do you do with Wisdom, who is crying aloud at the high places along the way? She isn't forcing, She is inviting.

So I yield. I stop, I turn, I look to Her.

This life isn't worth living without Her.

God spoke in His word of Wisdom as a woman. But did you know that foolishness is also a woman? She is loud, brash, unashamed.

Which woman am I being to those around me? The gentle, ever inviting leadership of Wisdom, or the fleshly, forceful, pushy foolishness.

I had just as hard a time getting up this morning as I have had on many other mornings. The house was just as messy, and there was possible more laundry than usual. But today, something on the inside of me was different, and I stayed in His word, just because it was His word.

The mess and the pressures couldn't find me there.

Weeds, and a Way

2008-07-23T13:26:00.004-06:00

I sit at the island with my head in my hands, overwhelmed. I want to say something, to let Him know how I feel, and I begin: Lord, it's just too...

"Too big? The job is to big?"

And I think of all He's been showing me lately:

that He knew it would be too big.

And that He knew that I could do it.

I think of "Bruchko", and "And the Word Came With Power", and of all that others have done when it actually was "too big".

I think of how if it wasn't (too big), I might be tempted to take credit- to know that I had done it out of my ability, or skill, or knowledge.

But I don't, and I can't.

Not today, not any day.

Maybe pride came before this fall, or maybe His gentle discipline is just reminding me to be humble with others, because I really struggle too. Just in different ways perhaps, maybe at different times than when my neighbor is struggling, but we all struggle, here on planet earth.

Ouch. Lord, even in my own selfish inability, I have been so proud. Even now, what I have left undone bothers me most, because of how others would see me. That they would see how I have failed, and that I am so ordinary. This bothers me. And it bothers me that so much of my efforts have been for show, and not for loving service. That I haven't used my times of strength to kneel and help and fellow struggler. I have spent so much of my life trying to help myself.

So here I am at my island, and in recognition that the job He has given is too big, and not too big.

I think of the stewards, to whom He gave the talents that they were capable of multiplying. To translate that would be to say that He gave funds to investors, and He, being all wise, knew that they could multiply those funds many times over. And no one invests in someone that they are certain will fail, right? You don't put money on a horse who is hobbled, you must know there is a chance of an outstanding win. And He doesn't take risks- if He invested this talent (these responsibilities) in me, then He knows that I am the woman for the job! He knows that I can do this!

Remember the servant who accomplished nothing; came back with nothing to show for the investment that the master made in him? He failed because he was lazy, and because his thinking was twisted.

And at my island I think: have I really just been lazy?

Have I so desired my self life that I would rather bury this talent in the ground than to get up every day and care for it?

It makes me think of my garden, two years ago. I had so neglected it during a crucial time, that after a period of four weeks I was forced to go in with the rototiller and even mow down some of my vegetables which could not be salvaged. I had a talent going there, something worth investing in, but by not giving it priority I lost what I'd invested- time, seeds, and a harvest!

My house is like this.

If I will not get up and get at the weeds...

My children are like this, my life is like this, my marriage is like this....

but the sower sows the word.

Oh boy.

There it is, and I know it.

Oh God, why am I so dull still as to think I can neglect Your Word, Your Living Water and still flourish? And why, when struggles come, do I think it is unrelated to wether or not I am holding to Your instruction manual? And why, when I hit the snooze button, do I fail to recognize that it will lead to sitting at my island with my head in my hands.

I can't do it, Lord.

"I know you can't, but I can."

Words That Work!

2008-07-12T07:08:00.003-06:00

Psalm 147:12-20 (The Message)

Jerusalem, worship God!

Zion, praise your God!

He made your city secure,

he blessed your children among you.

He keeps the peace at your borders,

he puts the best bread on your tables.

He launches his promises earthward—

how swift and sure they come!

He spreads snow like a white fleece,

he scatters frost like ashes,

He broadcasts hail like birdseed—

who can survive his winter?

Then he gives the command and it all melts;

he breathes on winter—suddenly it's spring!

He speaks the same way to Jacob,

speaks words that work to Israel.

He never did this to the other nations;

they never heard such commands.

Hallelujah!

Don't you love the part at the end where it says that He "speaks words that work"? God speaks words that have the power to turn winter into spring! That will turn an ice age into a season of blessing!

Yes, Father! So be it! Turn the wintery places in our hearts into flourishing spring! Do it by Your Word, Your Word that WORKS.

Praise the Lord.

Each Moment Filled with Wonder

2008-07-10T10:09:00.004-06:00

Father, my eyes are alight with Your Beauty, my heart is amazed at all You have done.

A train of children stretched out before me, who marvel at God's creation and stoop to see: minnows, kittens, goldfish, puppies, wildflowers, garden herbs... just one more thing, just one more minute!

Walks, talks with big boys, and a heart full of joy at what God has restored.

The wind in my face as I drive out to the fields with farmer husband, so much beauty in the sky that I can barely take it in.

Awe in knowing what He has done, when I look out at our fields, our land. A sense of being very small, in comparison to Him, and yet very loved. So humbled, and He exalts me, makes me worthy. Worthy of His Son.

A smile that I thought I'd lost, a laugh that comes naturally, which I didn't know I had!

Grace, Strength in the midst of what I know I am truly incapable of. His hand guiding my circumstances and whispering in my spirit, gently showing me, reminding me: "I help, I have helped, I am HELPER." Dear, precious, Holy Spirit.

Mornings starting early, sun flooding my bedroom, and bible propped open on pillow- these words are Spirit, and they are Life.

Sun, Warm, Sand, and Water. Play for hours, simple pleasure of digging in sand. The sweet, painful feeling of loving, and praying for family.

A hard heart, learning to love, and not to be afraid. To offer myself, and trust Him.

P.S. If you haven't yet, stop by Ann Voskamp's Holy Experience. She writes with a spirit that imparts gratitude to the hearer. God makes every moment alive, and full of His Glory.

Desperate for an Answer

2008-07-07T21:23:00.004-06:00

So many times the women I talk to are open to healing. There are some who are not, but many are willing, they just don't know how to recieve it. Often they are desperate for healing, their hearts are crying out to God, and they can't understand why He won't answer.

I don't know that, but what I do know is that He isn't not answering. Did you get the double negative? If we aren't getting, it is not because God is not giving.

We know that the word of God is true, even when it is not what we are experiencing right now. Think back to the days before you recieved Jesus Christ as your Lord, and Savior. Was the Gospel still true, before you'd experienced it? Yes.

Well what if you've recieved the message of healing. Why hasn't it manifested in your body? After all, you believed the gospel, and you were saved. Why not believe the healing and be healed? Well...

Sometimes the trouble is in what we believe. We know that Christ was the salvation afforded to mankind, so then anyone who recieves Him can be saved at any time, no matter who they are, or what they have done. Anyone can be saved because the sacrifice has already been made. It is all finished, we just enter into it. But when we are believing for healing, often people believe that they have to convince God to give it- they don't know that it's already been given.

When Jesus sacrificed his blood in our place, and atoned for our sins, He also sacrificed His body, in the place of our suffering. He became the curse for us, so that we wouldn't have to have the consequences of sin in our bodies (sickness, death). We can be healed, because we've been forgiven.

Again, why are there depressed Christians who believe for His healing, and don't seem to recieve? Lord, we are willing, we are desperate for an answer.

If a person has something in their path that is blocking them from recieving the gift that God has so certainly already given, I may not know that specific reason, but it is not an excuse for not recieving. If we know His word is true, and that the sacrifice is already made, then we know that the healing is already ours. We recieve it by faith, even if things don't begin to look different right away. Plus, we expect that we do recieve it, since it is ours, and we think about it, talk about it, and act as if IT IS OURS. And we resist the devil who would like to see that we do not ever enjoy the fulness of what Christ has done for us.

Also, we remember the Giver. We remember that Jesus Christ is really the only answer, and that there will never be another. We don't give up or quit, but know that He HAS answered us- He sent us Jesus; He gave His Spirit into our hearts, and HE GAVE US HIS WRITTEN WORD WHICH IS LIFE TO THOSE THAT FIND IT AND HEALTH TO THEIR WHOLE BODY. We keep in close contact with God through His word, and through prayer, and He reveals to us the things that have been blocking us from recieving.

It helps to know that God loves you, and He is holding nothing against you. He wants you to be healed, even more than you do, and because of this, you can be cofident that you will. That you are. Healing always comes.

Adam and the Redeemer, Part One. (Why Stay Home)

2008-06-18T11:51:00.007-06:00

Why stay home?

Why stay home when there are a hundred other fascinating things to do, a dozen other scintillating places to see, a generous handful of other faces to enjoy?

Why stay home when the sun is shining, and the park is beckoning, and there are other children to be played with; other mothers to laugh and chat with?

Why stay home?

Why stay home when items need to be purchased, errands could be completed, garage sales abound, and there is just one more thing to be discovered second hand?
Why stay home?
Why stay home when there are piano lessons, and memberships at the outdoor pool; riding lessons, and home school co-ops; vacation bible school, and hockey, and soccer, and T-ball?
Why stay home when there are countless papers to be filed, lives to be saved, knowledge to be amassed, ladders to climb, mortgages to be applied for, brand new vehicles to be driven?
Why stay home when there are missions to accomplish, ministries to be carried out, churches to be served, doctrines to be written?
WHY simply stay home?!

The reason we stay home is that home is our outpost. When God created Adam, and gave him a beautiful, sparkling, brand new green world, He said: It is not good that this man be out here in the earth alone. I will make him a counterpart, and I will place her in a garden.
Eve had a home. She and Adam were assigned to rule the world, to have dominion over the animals, but they did it from the central outpost of Eden. Eden was their stronghold. Their fortress.
Stronghold? Why have a stronghold in a perfect, sinless, spotless brand new world? You only need a fortress if you have an enemy!
Well, there was an enemy. Satan (Lucifer) had already been cast down from heaven and had been busy wreaking havoc on the earth. God placed man on the earth to keep it, to guard it: to clean house. To take back, and to amass God's territory.
In Genesis we see God reforming the earth, and turning it over to man (Adam). But in this story, God knows that there is an enemy force already at work, and He tells Adam- don't eat of the tree of knowing good and evil. If you do, you will die. Paraphrased: "There is an enemy on this beautiful earth Adam. An enemy of all things right and true. But I've made you a safe place, a haven. It is Eden. Your garden: your home. I've put Eve here with you, and she will help you to take care of the garden, and to guard it. But you are a creation that I have entrusted with Free Will, Adam. None of the animals you are in dominion over have this. You are unique. And because of this, I am leaving you a choice. Here, in this very garden, I am leaving the tree of knowing good as well as evil. If you eat of this tree, you will side with the enemy who is resident on this earth I have given you. Then you will not only know good, but also evil. The guaranteed result of this 'knowing of evil' is death, Adam, but the choice is yours. Today I am setting before you life, and death, good and evil. I am trusting you to do the right thing."

I guess we all know the end of the story. Adam listens silently as his counterpart (helper) Eve has a discussion with the Serpent (the enemy that God had warned Adam about, and had placed him on this earth to curtail). This "serpent" was in the garden illegally (as Eden was a specific area, set apart by God for Adam) and yet Adam and Eve do not evict the serpent, but merely listen to what he says.
(Please, let us know by now, that nothing good ever comes from listening to what the serpent says.)
The serpent chooses his words carefully, phrasing things so that Eve doesn't notice that the serpent has misquoted God. She freely misquotes Him herself, which leads to a train of thought that is contrary to what God has told Adam. God told Adam that he could eat of any tree in that garden. However, to eat of the knowing good and evil tree would result in death. Eve however discusses with the serpent that they cannot even touch that tree, or they will die. This is not so, but Adam who is sitting nearby does not correct her. He wants to hear what the serpent has to say. He is actually considering his offer.
Now God didn't tell our distant relatives that they couldn't touch the knowing good and evil tree. I believe that had they chosen God with their whole hearts, they could have easily cut down that tree once and for all. But Adam hadn't yet decided for God completely. If he had, he would not have been entertaining the serpent.
Serpent presents Eve with the idea that: God must be trying to keep something from her- something good. "God knows that if Eve eats of the tree, she will become a competition- a threat to Him, so He is trying to keep Adam and Eve from eating of that tree for His own protection. God must not be truly trustworthy, and Eve should surely take things into her own hands, and eat of that fruit. After all, it is truly beautiful. It has a flavour like none of the other trees in the garden. And besides that, it will open up an entirely new world to Eve! A world of enlightenment and power!
Eve licks her lips carefully, and handles the fruit. She doesn't die!! God must have deceived her after all- this tree does have a truly valuable fruit! Better than anything else God has given them!
Adam looks silently on.
Eve forgets the waiting, expectant, desiring serpent, and thinks only of herself. She forgets Adam, and their future together in the garden, and thinks only of what she desires most in that moment. She forgets God who made her, God who loved her, God who knew her, and has been protecting her...
She bites. Oh, Pleasure.
Overcome with ecstasy, Eve passes the fruit to Adam, who is only to glad to indulge with her.

And then,

it is over.
Suddenly, the garden God made for the two seems like a frightening place. Never before have Adam or Eve seen shadows: before they were only aware of Light. Now they are surrounded by the watching animals, and a cold breeze descends on them: awakening them to the fact that they are naked.
Uncovered.
Alone.
The voice of God's spirit that they had pushed aside during those moments by the tree is now silent, and Adam is very, very afraid.
Adam knows God- that He is an awesome and terrific God who expresses His wrath every day, and now Adam knows that he could be on the receiving end of that wrath.
He hides.
God the Father walks through the garden in the cool of the evening and knows what has happened. He sees the curse (the result of Adam breaking his covenant relationship with God) already beginning to act on His creation. He knows fully and completely the severance from Him of His son, His Adam, His man. And God too is alone (and not alone).
He approaches Adam from a distance, and pleads with him to take responsibility for his sin. Perhaps even yet, there is an opportunity for redemption, an opening to right what has gone wrong...?
But Adam blames Eve.
Eve blames the serpent.
God doesn't bother listening to the serpent. He pronounces curse over the serpent, and also his defeat by a coming Redeemer.
God cannot make things right, not right now. But One is coming....

This is why we stay home.
Because now we see that God's original plan was best. Eve stepped outside of that best plan, and invited her husband to come along. The disappointing outcome was that Eve had terrible sorrow in the bearing of her children. She had a strong and opposing desire to all that Adam valued, and Adam was given authority over her. Before, they had simply been ONE. There had been no contest while in the garden: Eve didn't even have a name until after she left the garden, signifying how truly she had severed herself (by eating the fruit) from fulfilling her calling as the God-glorifying helper that God had made her to be. Before, when the Lord had called Adam (Man), Woman would come running too. But now, she was her own, lonely woman. She was a fallen woman.
And as a result of what Adam had done in listening to (siding with, rather than correcting and protecting) his wife, rather than obeying God's word, he saw curse spread like disease over all the earth that God had given him. Now instead of beautiful fruits, the ground was producing briers, nettles, and stings. It was rebelling against the man who had been formed of it! Adam was divorced from the ground he had been made from and had been given to rule over.

But God was gracious, and thinking ahead. He knew that if Adam and Eve stayed in the garden of Eden, they would have access to the tree of LIFE. This was a tree with the fruit of Eternity, and with an irreversible result. If Adam and Eve ate of that tree (made that decision) now, in their fallen state, then the Redeemer could not come and make things right. Adam and Eve would have lived forever in sin, and in perpetual curse, as would have all of their descendants!
Loving Heavenly Father loved Adam and Eve (and you and I) too much to see this happen. He forced them out of the garden, and told them to go and increase on the earth. A Redeemer would come.

Depression in Homeschooling

2008-06-10T10:26:00.003-06:00

Depression in Home Schooling

Is it possible for you to keep home schooling while struggling with depression? Yes, very much so. Depression is not a reason to quit.
Should everyone who is depressed continue to home school? I can’t answer that. What I’m saying is: don’t assume that you must give up.
Why not?
Well, examine the reasons why you began home schooling, and you will still see all the reasons that you can keep home schooling. Your reasons may be different than mine, but I think my reasons for home schooling are fairly common, so we will use them for an example.
1. I want my children at home with me.
Is it unhealthy for your children to be at home with you if you are battling depression? Not always. Can your children have any benefit from being at home with a mother who is engaged in such a battle? Yes. The problem is when they don’t see you battling. It isn’t wrong or unhealthy for your children to see that something difficult has come against you and you are fighting to overcome it, the damage is from them seeing you give up, and quit. You are not a quitter. You can get up and keep fighting for your family. You can do it! Depression is not strong enough to defeat you.
2. My faith.
If you are depressed, should you put your kids in school? Not necessarily. Not even a Christian school can impart to your children your faith. Now most of us have made the decision to home school partly based on our religion- we don‘t want our children to follow the world‘s influence, but to stay in our church. But distance yourself for a minute from your religion, and take this personally. What about your faith. No one can believe their way out of this depression but you. You can believe for your healing! Jesus healed everyone who came to him. Your children will benefit from being at home seeing you grow in your healing. It will build their faith, not destroy it, when they see you overcoming depression through your faith in God’s word.
3. Family.
Your family can suffer because of depression, or you can use this time to see ways that your family life needs to change. Have you been doing too much, wearing yourself out? Maybe you need to cut down on extracurricular activities, and focus on family bonding at home? Are you carrying all the weight of the household responsibilities? Maybe your 10 year old can learn to do the dishes, or your eight year old could learn to vacuum and clean the bathroom. Maybe you won’t get everything done that you want to, but what CAN you do? I bet you can rest on the sofa with your kids and read them a great book. I bet you could go for a walk to the park with them. I bet you could choose easier, healthier meals; like fresh fruit, and whole wheat bread. If you put some things aside for now, this can be a healing time for your family to draw close, not to be destroyed by depression.
4. Education.
Yes, there is a temptation here for your breathing to quicken, thinking about all the things you are not doing- but don’t yield. You may just need to change your expectations for awhile. You can still give your children an education at home, and be a good example! Educate yourself, and let them see you learning! Read a library book on healing, and then tell them what you’ve learned. Rent some educational movies with them, and make a scrapbook page about what the video taught. Let each day be a day where your children can learn something, and be excited about doing it!
If you are severely depressed, even these things can seem too big, but don’t lose hope! Educate your children by letting them watch your life, and get some help. Let your children see you strengthen your faith for healing by receiving prayer at church, or by going to a bible study. If you are too depressed to read, get a bible on cd (or mp3) and listen to it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Get some bible stories on cd for your kids to listen to during this time.
If you are depressed, you can talk to someone. There are people around you right now who have been where you are, but maybe haven’t mentioned it. If you will talk to a trustworthy, optimistic friend, it can help you feel unburdened. Find a godly doctor, or health practitioner, and let others lend you a hand up. If you are in a pit right now, remember, the Lord’s hand is extended to pull you out.
In psalm 107:20 it says: He sends forth His word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction.
Psalm 40:1-3 says: I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.

You can be free of depression.

Seizing The Day You Get

2008-06-04T14:59:00.003-06:00

I am thankful that I don't have pain right now.

I am thankful that it is a beautiful sunny day so that my children can play outside in peace, and enjoy the creation of God, and be blessed with His presence in so doing.

I am grateful for a husband who didn't condemn, get frustrated, or point things out, but merely kissed me and sent me back to bed.

I learn so much of God from my gracious forgiving husband.

I am thankful for my garden, a reason to go outside. Thankful for sun on my head, meadowlark on the fencepost, dirt on my knees.

On my knees.

I am thankful that I have strength to work in my garden in the first place, to care for my children, and that all in all, I have health. Health is mine, because I am His.

I do not have to do it on my own. I will quit trying.

I am thankful for encouragement at Holy Experience.

I am grateful that all that really matters today, is did I live it with Him. and I know I did: He never leaves me or forsakes me. I am grateful for His word, which is my living in relationship with Him. He never gives up.

Today is a good day.

Love- the Path to Emotional Freedom

2008-05-27T07:14:00.003-06:00

1 John 3:18-24 (The Message)
18-20My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.
21-24And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us.

This was part of my bible reading this morning. I was thinking especially about verse 19, (that love is the way to shut down debilitating self criticism) because what it said to me is that LOVE is the path to emotional freedom. Love takes all the focus and attention off of SELF, so if I practice LOVE, then I am free from tormenting thoughts, burdens of my past, and perfectionistic expectations of self and others. Love makes FREE.

I also liked verse 18, that love is something we will need to Practice. It's not something that will come naturally, it will take discipline, repentance, and forgiveness. To love is going to take some practice.

And in verse 22 (we recieve what we asked for, because we're doing what pleases Him) is a key to answered prayer. (A key to Healing from Depression.) Love is that key, not because He won't give you anything if you won't love (none of us will ever earn His grace), but because when we love, our attention is off of ourselves, and "all the reasons that we don't deserve it", and "can't expect to recieve it from God". It places our attention and intimacy in Him and then we are relaxed and free to let Him do His good, pleasing, and perfect will in our lives.

Today is a new day, with many opportunities to practice. Let's love, because Love is of God.

Kim and Large Family Logistics

2008-05-22T11:56:00.004-06:00

The first blog I started reading was Kim Brenneman's Large Family Logistics. That blog is inactive now, however it is still a treasure trove of wisdom to the young mother. Her practical advice on how to manage a home would be a great help, not just to someone with post partum depression, but to anyone with any number of children! God gave us these blessings, but it does take some investigation of His word, and some listening to the sound counsel of other mothers for us to know how to manage our blessings; to know how to manage our home!

She has done a really great series called Beyond Survival. I noticed that the links on the sidebar for the series are inactive, but if you scroll down and find the link for February and March of 2007, that should take you to the right pages. There are around 12 entries on Beyond Survival. You'll have to scroll down to the bottom of February to find entry number one.

Now I know that someone who is battling depression doesn't often have a heart for housework, or anything else. But when I read what Kim has written, it doesn't make me feel obligated, overwhelmed, or despairing. It gives me hope, it encourages me! It builds a vision on the inside of me of what our home life could really be.

Go take a look: finding her blog, and allowing God to work in me through what she said has truly changed my life.

P.S. Kim has a new blog going at this address.

Another Link (Biblestudy, and Scriptures on Depression)

2008-05-21T15:23:00.003-06:00

I came across a great bible study today on freedom from depression. It's very simple, not a long read, but has the real foundational truths as to why a life without depression is possible. I haven't looked around the site much yet, but I am looking forward to doing so! : )

Walk in the Spirit, Free from Depression

2008-05-08T20:50:00.007-06:00

I've been thinking so much the last two weeks about the difference between flesh, and spirit. If those terms don't make sense to you, I mean: the difference between our body, and our inner self: our real self. The very heart of who we are.

It started I guess when I decided to fast for a couple days. It was a very good fast, and I could see that God had done some healing in my body during that time, but I also noticed how loud that voice of my flesh could be. It made me feel very humble, and human, to experience the way human beings need food to live. I must say, my flesh did not like it. Not much at all.

But only hours after I'd finished my fast, I was thinking how great it had been! You see, my spirit liked it! It liked the way the fast forced me to depend on God and let Him be my strength, because I had no other source. I knew that I just couldn't do everything I had on my list without some supernatural intervention on His part. I'm not trying to brag on myself here, but to brag on God. He came through for me every time I asked, and I was so thrilled to complete a fast of any length, really. I guess I had thought that because of hypoglycemic reasons that I couldn't really fast. I can see now that it wasn't really so: if I'm not eating anything, then there is nothing to cause my blood sugar to spike or drop.

And the second thing that made me think about the difference between our flesh and our spirit, was that I listened to a set of cd's by Gloria Copeland, called "Walk in the Spirit". It was one of the best sets of teaching cd's I've ever heard. Actually, I've had it for awhile, and I've listened to it probably at least twice before, but it was really revolutionary to my thinking again.

Gloria talked about how the desires of our spirit are strongly against our flesh, and the desires of our flesh are strongly against our spirit, so that we can't do what we want. Yeah, I'll say. As I listened to her preaching over the course of a week, and as I finished my fast, I began to see that MOST of what I do, I've done in the flesh. A lot of what I say, and think, is motivated by my flesh. And the trouble with that is....

The desires of the sinful flesh lead to death. Jesus called us to walk a narrow road, one that neccessitates the suffering of the flesh. (Resisting its desires and whims so that we can follow the desires of our spirit, our reborn self.) Why else would He have said, Take up your cross, and follow Me? Or, If you love your life, you will lose it.

So I've been really taking a look at what's on the inside. (Ouch.)

As far as depression goes, there is no depression for the born again spirit. It's not that it's all in your flesh, as if it was all in your mind; but your spirit is the part of you that is one with God. It is the part of you that has total dominion over depression. In the flesh you may not have that, but in the spirit, YOU DO. The born again spirit is in the heavenlies. Part of a different kingdom. The reborn spirit is no longer under the dominion of the flesh, but rather the Holy Spirit, Who is our Strengthener, our Standby, our Advocate, our Encourager. You have your own personal cheering section Who will never leave you or forsake you. Don't give up, don't quit. He will not let you down. There is hope for your life: a life that is FREE FROM DEPRESSION.

Save Time, Money, and Keep it Simple!

2008-05-06T08:05:00.004-06:00

Something that I've found saves me money and time (as well as contributing to healthy eating in our home) is shopping wholesale. Not just Costco, but a wholesale outlet for restaurants. I know that shopping in the States is probably different than it is in Southern Alberta, but shopping wholesale can be a benefit to our family in that: I spend less overall, I buy only a few things which we enjoy, and once I've picked up my few things, I do less shopping trips. It also saves me time in the end, for example:

This week I picked up a 50lb bag of carrots for half of what I would have paid in the grocery store. I brought them home and washed, trimmed, and rebagged them. I sent some through the food processor for stirfries, etc., then made a large bag of carrot sticks. The rest I will make into carrot juice, with my Breville juicer. (They make a fairly sweet, tasty juice. I drink about a litre a day right now.) Now I always have a healthy snack of carrot sticks in the fridge for the kids, or an extra side dish at lunch with a sandwich. With only a few minutes prep, I have now have precut carrots to throw in any soup, stew, or casserole.

I also bought 50lbs of Granny Smith apples. These are very high in antioxidants, and they keep really well! I keep the box in my garage where it is cool (I don't have a cold room right now), and they last for weeks. Again, they were less than half of the cost that I would have paid at the store, and when kids come over and need a snack, I place a huge bowl of apple wedges on the table, and they can have as many as they like! Almost everybody loves apples!

So that's my tip for keeping things simple, and check out Tammy's Recipes for more great tips!

Post Partum Tips...

2008-05-05T14:45:00.006-06:00

The months after a woman has had a baby are by God's design a time to slow down, and to nurture. Just look at my kitty: the majority of the time she is now laying around nursing. This is not laziness, it is God's perfect plan! Too often in our North American mindset, we are running, running, running. This is part of what has contributed to the post partum depression of many mothers in the first place! They are accustomed to running from one activity to the next, and when baby comes, they are already depleted: emotionally, physically, mentally... Then the combination of a new baby's demands, plus all of Mom's previous commitments (such as work, family, friends, school, practices, games, and church) can leave Mommy exausted. If she doesn't know to turn to the Lord, or doesn't have some kind of a plan in place beforehand, then those first post partum months can be shocking. Discouraging. Far from the nurturing and restful ideal she had imagined.

What I'm thinking here, is that many more of you than myself have great tips as to what worked for you in your post partum months. And after all, that is the essence of Titus chapter two. That we teach eachother, and that the more experienced mothers can lend a helping hand to those who may not know how to cope with the demands of a new baby and family.

So what I propose, is that you leave a comment here with your best tip as to what has helped you to:

Simplify,

Bond with your baby and other children,

Keep the needs of your family met during the tired times,

Maintain a relationship with the Lord and His Word, even though you were busier than before!

I'll start things off with my best bible reading tip, and best napless napping tip!

1. When I wanted to read the bible, but was just too tired, I would make myself do it for just 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes isn't long, and I could stick it out for that duration, even if it was at naptime, bedtime, or before breakfast.

2. When I really needed a nap and couldn't get one, I would lay the baby under a play gym, and lay down beside her on the floor. Often this would keep the infant entertained for long enough for me to snooze for 15 minutes, and then I would be ok again for another couple hours.

Now if this is your first baby and she sleeps well, then you may not need to try this; but there were several years for me when my children were all young and there was usually a baby in the house. Those were some tired times, and a fifteen minute nap here and there would help me to get through those days. There is always another side, if you will just be patient.

I encourage you to stop in at Prairie Prologue, where Prairie Chick has recently done a series on home management. These are things I didn't know when my children were small, but would have helped to make life a little less stressful!

Also Tammy at Tammy's Recipes has a new baby girl, and posts occasionally about working in the kitchen with children, and chores with little guys. : )

Refreshing Our Faith

2008-04-29T12:47:00.004-06:00

I've been doing some reading on healing the past couple of days, and I wanted to post a link to this page. It says what I would like to say about faith, and to a great extent is how I have stayed well for the last 10+ years. Although I always need to take days like today where I just "brush up" on things, and "feed my faith". Let's face it, the world left to itself is going in the direction of sickness, depression, and decay. The word of God is the only thing that offers us any hope.

So here's the link, and I hope it is an eye opener for you, like it was for me.

And here's a scripture from Bible Gateway, which really touched my heart this morning.

Live simply before God, and trust Him.

-Liberty.

Matthew 6:25-34 (The Message)

25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Revisiting Hope

2008-04-27T22:44:00.004-06:00

Feel free to revisit some of the older posts like My Story. Read parts 1,2,3, and 4 if you never have. And this is one I revisited tonight, and was encouraged by.

Corraling My Day.

2008-04-25T08:52:00.005-06:00

Even today as a well, healthy woman, I still have mornings that I need to corral my day. There are still some mornings that I didn't get up as early as I should have, didn't read my bible as much as I should have, didn't get as much sleep as I needed.

There are still mornings that I need to choose to be thankful, choose to remember that the devil is a liar, and I am listening to the voice of the Shepherd.

The uninterrupted fleshly trend of my life would be the negative. My very first baby picture is of a frown on my face. I don't like this about myself, but then I remember that I am not that woman anymore. I have put her off, and have clothed myself with the Lord, Jesus Christ. "Just keep practicing joy, Liberty. You'll get there in time."

So I corral my day, my fleshly negative, pessimistic attitude, and say:

This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and give thanks in it!

I will enter His presence through thanksgiving, and I will come into His secret place through worship!

I will love my children and my husband today, because as much as I do it unto the least of one of these His brethren, I have done it unto Him!

I will stay home today, and spring clean again today, and I will do the laundry, because he who loves his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake will find it!

Today I will be grateful and acknnowledge that I am blessed to have a house to clean, and food to cook!

Today I will remember that I am more than a conqueror, no matter how far I have strayed from my schedule! It is not my experience that tells me if God's word is working, it is my faith.

Today is going to be a beautiful day, because He hasn't left me. Today, is His day.

Isaiah 61:1-7 The Message
The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness" planted by God to display his glory.
They'll rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city out of the wreckage.They'll start over on the ruined cities, take the rubble left behind and make it new.
You'll hire outsiders to herd your flocks and foreigners to work your fields,
But you'll have the title "Priests of God," honored as ministers of our God.
You'll feast on the bounty of nations, you'll bask in their glory.
Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt,
Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever.
Isaiah 63:7-9 (The Message)
I'll make a list of God's gracious dealings, all the things God has done that need praising,
All the generous bounties of God, his great goodness to the family of Israel—Compassion lavished, love extravagant.
He said, "Without question these are my people, children who would never betray me."So he became their Savior. In all their troubles, he was troubled, too.
He didn't send someone else to help them. He did it himself, in person.
Out of his own love and pity he redeemed them.
He rescued them and carried them along for a long, long time.

Once again, Today is His day. It is a very good day.

Liberty.

Always a Reason to Rejoice

2008-04-17T08:39:00.003-06:00

A verse that is very dear to my heart:

Hosea 2:14-17

"But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes," says the Lord, "you will call Me 'my husband' instead of 'my master'. O Israel, I will wipe the many names of Baal from your lips, and you will never mention them again."

He has restored my life, and freed me from captivity and slavery to depression. He has become my Best Friend. There is no one else for me. Lord, surely you have given me a delightful inheritance, I am in awe of what You have done.

Hosea 2:19-20

"I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you Mine, and you will finally know Me as the Lord."

Father, today I am thankful that:

81. I have a nine year old boy who loves to do chores!

82. I have an eight year old daughter to teach the art of bread making to! (I loved to make bread!)

83. there is the sound of brothers rehearsing flashcards together floating down the hallway to me. Sweet fellowship.

84. Elijah is almost done his math for the year, and already done his English! (He likes that part of homeschooling!)

85. I have a home to care for today, and people in it (who love me) to serve. Behold the handmaid of the Lord, let it be unto me as you have said.

86. it's almost time to plant the garden (the early items) here in Southern Alberta. I love gardening with the kids. They are loving it too.

87. we are 1/3 done spring cleaning! It will look awesome here in a few days, and be such a more organized work space.

Jed is at least 1/2 done cleaning his shop, and is getting ready for another season's planting. We are looking to the Lord for a great year!

88. there was such a delighted look on Jed's face when he saw how Joshua and I had transformed the master bedroom. (Joshua and I have carried armloads of garbage and decluttered junk out to the garbage bin since Monday. It feels very freeing.)

89. family life is so peaceful here now. God is so good.

90. the Word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything He does.

Post Partum Depression: A Time to Simplify

2008-04-15T21:03:00.002-06:00

Well, once again, I am going to try to type fast! I hope I can get this post finished tonight. : )

I thought I'd post on post partum depression, and how to cope with household responsibilities.

I suppose this would be good advice for anyone who is depressed- post partum or not. Life in a depression (or other debilitating disease) is a time to simplify. A time to get our focus back on what really matters.

So tip number one (and these are not listed in order of priority, just whatever order they come to mind in) is (drumroll, please) use paper plates. : )

When I was depressed, I couldn't even do the dishes. I could get some kind of a premade meal onto a cookie sheet, because I didn't want to starve, but even the idea of clearing the counters was just too much for me most days. Using disposable dishes is cheaper than hiring a maid, and more sensible than spending time in the psych ward, so make things easy on yourself, and just simplify. For the post partum mom, this will give you either more time with baby, or more time sleeping! Very necessary.

I mentioned those cookie sheet dinners. I knew nothing about nutrition when I was depressed, so we ate a lot of hot dogs, etc. I am not recommending that. So:

Tip number two would have to be: simple, healthy meals. You are going to have to eat reasonably healthy foods, if you are making an effort to lead depression behind. This would warrant a separate post in itself, but the main idea is: eat simple:

-Eat a piece of all natural whole grain bread for breakfast, with some organic butter.

-Eat a free range egg. It's not too hard to fry an egg!

-Eat raw fruit with each meal, or a raw vegetable. That's easy, because all you do is peel it.

-Reduce foods that take a lot of effort for your body to digest. Fasting is so good for you because every day it takes a great deal of energy for your body to process all the food you put into it. Now, when you fast, your body has vast stores of energy freed up to heal your body! Now if you don't think you can fast, that's ok, but eat less fatty meats. Eliminate processed sugar. Try a small piece of fish instead of beef, and some raw honey instead of sugar. Eat greens- they are good for your brain, and detoxifying for your body.

I know I am probably writing to some moms who have to feed their family too, and often it seems like a big stretch just to take care of themselves. Well, let me say that joy comes from serving. You will not feel as badly if you find a way to keep your family fed. So:

Buy two or three kinds (only) of good quality, whole grain cereal for breakfast, and eat it with some organic milk or soy milk. No sugar please!

For lunch, serve whole grain toast with natural peanut butter, and some pre-cut carrot sticks; maybe a small piece of cheese, or an apple. Drink water!

Now supper! You may have a hungry husband or group of teenagers who will not be satisfied with just toast for supper, so invest in a crockpot. Yes, we are still staying simple here. A crockpot (slow cooker) is simple because you just put something in there, and leave it. I often put a small roast and potatoes; some onions and carrots, and then leave it all day on low. At the end of the day when everyone is hungry, this is very good. Another easy one is: put some small white beans (navy beans) at the bottom of the cooker (maybe one cup), and cover with water. Then place a small chicken over top and sprinkle with seasoning. Cook on low all day. The beans will cook in the chicken juices, and this makes an easy, hearty meal. Add a precut salad, and a low fat dressing.

Time for tip 3: Pare down toys, and clothes. Just get rid of some of what you have. We often had too many clothes in the house, because I would just bring "a few things" home from the second hand store. I actually enjoyed shopping like this more than I enjoyed washing our clothes. But if I had only had 5 loads of laundry in the house TOTAL, it wouldn't have made such a huge, imposing pile. One load of laundry a day isn't too bad.

My kids always had way too many toys. At one point of exasperation, I put away everything except their Duplo (Lego brand). It was actually such a blessing to them (and me). The children didn't wonder about what they would play, or how to get it all cleaned up. They played a different game with eachother every day, because lego is one of those imagination type of toys, where things are different every time. They've been playing duplo for 9 years now. The odd time, the twelve year old will still join in, because they've built such close relationships playing together, and have such good memories of it.

So, throw some out, and give some away. It will take work at first, but then there will be a lot more peace.

Tip number four: Draft any older children available for chores. If you are post partum with your first, or with only toddlers, then this won't work, and you will have to keep thinking those creative, paperplate kind of thoughts. But if you even have a six year old, you have a valuable helper, one to be thankful for! A six year old can wipe the toilet seat with a baby wipe. They can wipe out the inside of the sink with a towel. They can set the table, and clear it. An eight year old can do laundry, if you have a front load. They can sweep the center of a room. : ) They can make beds, and at least make things look more decent. They can dust, and follow around a toddler. : )

Tip number five is appropriate to end with, even though I'm not done: Get enough sleep. Yes, you've heard it before. But I just want to point out that it is EASIER to get out of bed in the morning if you do it at the same time every day. Even if you are being woken up in the middle of the night by a nursing baby, and feel like you will just die if you were to try to wake up early... Let me assure you, you can! I say this as compassionately as I can from the heart of one woman to another. I've been there. I have felt that way too. I survived, and you will survive!

The one thing that got me through those seasons like that in my life was to read my bible. I would drag myself out of bed feeling AWFUL. (I don't have to tell you, if you have battled depression or any other disease, you know.) But I would put that bible in front of my eyes, and I would get up again the next day and do it again. Sometimes that bible reading would really change the course of that one day, and give me the strength I needed- one day at a time. Other times it was a link to a bigger miracle, that God worked over a period of time. Either way, the bible was my life line during those seasons. When it is hard for me to find time to read my bible enough, I will:

Read it in the middle of the night when I wake up.

Listen to it on cd as I'm falling asleep.

Keep worship music playing in the house during the day.

Pray in the Spirit while in the shower, or doing the laundry.

Pray. Get on my knees alone for even a minute, and ask Jesus to be bigger to me than the pressure I feel at that moment. He always is! He has never left me!

If you don't know Jesus, and you need His help, remember that He came to seek and to save the ones who were lost. He came to undo the work of the devil in your life. He came so that anyone who would believe in Him would not be lost. Do you know Him? All who call on His name are saved. Pray to Jesus, and then listen.

Confessions and Encouragements

2008-04-13T21:07:00.003-06:00

A link to my other blog- I'm sharing some insights God gave me over a weekend away.

-Liberty.

Learning to Live a New Life, Part 2

2008-04-09T20:53:00.004-06:00

As the week has gone by I've sort of mulling over in my mind: just what were the things that helped me to succeed in those months after I received my healing.

Because, you must remember, that even though the Lord completely healed me, supernaturally, I had been a negative, grouchy, selfish, and pessimistic person for a large portion of my life. I was in a habit of thinking those kinds of thoughts! I mentioned in Part 1 of this post, some of the things I did, or learned from during that time, that really helped to set me on the right track, and to leave depression in the dust.

But I remembered something else!

I used to watch Joyce Meyer.

I know when I say that, that it doesn't sound like much. There are plenty of things on TV to be watched. What's so special about watching Joyce Meyer that it would actually make such a difference in my life?

Well, I think there were a few things.

1. Of course, she was teaching on the Word of God. The Word of God changes people. But also, she was preaching the things that I (as an average woman) needed to hear. She was preaching them in a way that I could understand! Joyce Meyer took a book (the bible) that often has been left to the theologians, and she made it real; available; to me.

Of the topics she taught on then, I remember the ones about my mouth the most! It was like my soul (my spirit) was an empty slate, and when I listened to Joyce, I could fill it with something wholesome- something powerful, that I could use to impact my life.

2. I also think that watching Joyce inspired me. Joyce has told her story of abuse in her childhood, and of how God worked in her life to heal her, and to make her a totally new creation. When I watched/ listened to Joyce, I could see myself in her shoes somehow. That my past too, could be redeemed by the Lord, and I too could do His will, and preach His word. Up to that time, I had seen myself as depressed. But watching Joyce Meyer changed the way I saw myself. It gave me hope for what my future could be.

I still watch Joyce. I took a few years off, because Jed and I added three more babies after I was healed of my depression. (We thought we'd never be able to have more children, because my post partum depression after Elijah had been so severe.) Somehow during the daytime hours, there wasn't as much sitting down time as I had had when I only had Elijah! I couldn't seem to make time to watch Joyce during the day, and so I just left it behind. But this year, I have a computer savvy 12 year old (Elijah!), who helped me to download Joyce's daily podcast, and watch it via his ipod, over our TV! Now I can watch Enjoying Everyday Life at any time of day! I love it!

Another thing I did during those days (after the depression) was pray. Whenever life seemed too tough, I would pray. When my stress levels would get too high, and I felt like I would pop, I prayed. Often I would just get down on the carpet, face to the floor, and tell God I needed Him. Tell Him I just couldn't do it without Him. Sometimes I kept my bible in front of me, and read a few snatches. I might spend a minute listening for Him, just being still for a moment, and turning the day over to Him. I strove to hear His voice, to recognize His leading even in small things (like when to go to the grocery store, and such) and the more I listened, the better I got at hearing!

As the number of babies in the house increased (our second and third baby were only 13 months apart), I would sometimes have to retreat to the bathroom for a prayer "time out". But God was always faithful. When I would draw near to Him, He would draw near to me.

I read The Power of a Praying Parent, and the Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. They had prayers written in them that I could read-- it taught me how to pray about certain things. There was also a list of scriptures in each chapter, so for example, if the chapter was about safety and protection for our children, it would have maybe 5 or so scriptures about the Lord's protection of us. This helped my to learn to pray the Word of God.

Now there's a great topic for a post! I hope I get back to that one. : )

Liberty.

Gluten Free Grains; and Small Steps

2008-04-07T16:33:00.008-06:00

I know I've mentioned before that when battling depression (and in recovering) you may need to change your diet. I think diet played a big part in what left me open to depression in the first place! Too many french fry suppers with M'n'Ms for dessert!

Well I've been experimenting with gluten free baking, and have a tip on how to make this a less expensive endeavor. Try the Asian supermarket! I had previously only thought of visiting the health food stores, and bulk foods stores, but even so, any gluten free grains were very expensive! And not always fresh. But the other day I stopped in at the Asian supermarket in search of buckwheat noodles, and made some great finds! They had:

Whole grain cornmeal,

Buckwheat flour,

Brown rice flour,

Potato starch, (which was pricey if I bought the Bob's Red Mill, in the little package)

Cassava flour (Tapioca flour)

Millet flour

Quinoa grains

And a bunch of other stuff that I'd never even heard of!

wasn't looking for chickpea flour (garbanzo bean flour), because I had just picked some up in our grocery store, in the ethnic foods aisle. It was very inexpensive there as well.

At this particular Asian store (a mom and pop store, not a chain) they buy their flours in bulk, and repackage, to pass on the savings. It was a fun find; and I mention it for those who are already on a gluten free diet.

For those of you who have come to this page because you really are seeking help in your depression, I want to remind you that small steps are all that's necessary! You don't need to start doing all your own baking, or sign up with a raw food coach. Just make a small adjustment to your diet, and you can see big changes! For instance, if you've been accustomed to picking up a chocolate bar, or stopping at the donut shop, you could try a Lara bar instead. The raw nuts contain enough good fats to make you feel satisfied, and the dried fruit contains enough natural sugar to give you a pick me up.

Start using whole grain bread instead of white. Switch to green tea, instead of coffee. Substitute raw honey for refined sugar. Don't take it all on at once: you probably know which area you need to work on first. Make small changes in that area, and give your body the break it needs.

Visit Tammy's Recipes for more great tips!

Learning to Live a New Life

2008-04-05T20:01:00.008-06:00

I thought I'd spend some time this evening listing things that have helped me the most on my journey. It's probably good for me to take a stroll down memory lane, and remember Who it was that set me free, and what has helped to keep me that way.

1. If you've done any reading here, you may know what this one will be! Of course, it is daily bible readings. Reading my bible every day brought rock solid stability to a mind that hadn't been sound. The word of God has the power to transform your thinking, and to lift you up out of the muck. When I was depressed, my fleshly mind would naturally gravitate to anything negative, pessimistic, and miserable. Now as a well woman (who wanted to stay that way) I had to learn a new way of thinking. The bible is truth: it was the only thing that had spiritual power to change my mind, my brain, and my body.

2. Words. Interesting, isn't it? When I was healed, I had never thought of praying aloud, or that if I did, that it would be any different than if I just did it in my head. But that was one of the big revelations I recieved then: that to say words out of my mouth carried a different degree of power than if I just thought them. At that time I was reading Living Free in Christ, by Neil Anderson. Each chapter had a truth-revealing message, and a prayer or renunciation at the end. I would say these aloud, and I found that this was really setting me free. Not just to tell God that "I was sorry" for my sin, but to RENOUNCE it- to commit to turning away from it completely.

I also found that I could change the way I felt, or what was going on in my life spiritually, by SAYING THINGS. I would talk to myself outloud, and tell myself who I was: "I am God's friend", "I will live; I will not die", "I am not among those who shrink back, but among those who believe", "I am NOT CRAZY!" And so on. I found that by speaking the truth to myself this way, I began to grow stronger in how I believed it. I read something in the BVOV magazine recently (in an article by Charles Capps) saying that we are more inclined to believe what comes out of our own mouths, than what someone else may tell us. He said we will certainly benefit from someone else telling us the word of God, but when we say it ourselves, out of our mouths, we believe what we say. After all, it's US.

3. I changed what I listened to. So, so far we've done what I was reading, what I was saying; now what I was hearing. The bible says that faith comes by a person's hearing. Just so, I had been developing my faith, but in all the wrong things! Watching X-files will not give you the faith you need to be healed. It will give you fear. In a similar way, I had to turn off all the old melancholy songs I had listened to all my teenage years, and throw out dozens of cd's. I changed what I watched on TV. --I'll be honest, this was the hardest one. It was easy to stop bringing home movies like "Scream", but it was still pretty alluring to just sit on the sofa every evening with a remote in my hand, watching sitcoms. I actually think that TV can be more attractive to someone who is depressed, because it releases all kinds of stuff in their brain that they are deficient in. This, however, does not mean you should watch TV! It seems that all that inactivity just leads to more inactivity, and it trains the brain to get a buzz off of watching a screen, not going out for a walk with your family. The TV isolates.

So I weaned myself off the TV over time. Now I often watch the Miracle Channel in the evenings, and lately Jed and I have been watching Creflo Dollar (Changing Your World) podcasts on the TV in the evenings. I sometimes watch a Joyce Meyer podcast when I'm on the treadmill. They're free, on I-Tunes. Elijah (our twelve year old) lets us use his Ipod, and he has a cord that plugs it right into the TV!

I had to change who I was listening to. Once I was healed, Jed and I made sure we never missed a church service, or a bible study. We started listening to older, wiser counsel. There were voices in my life that I had to distance myself from. It was for my benefit in the long run, because I couldn't have that weak, depressed, dependant message in my life anymore. I had to get up and walk.

Well, now for some tips on the resources that have helped to shape me over the last 10 years.

1. The Message, by Eugene Peterson. This is a paraphrase of the bible. I needed something simple at that time in my life, my brain had been so taxed, and drugged. I couldn't read anything more complicated, but I read the Message New Testament over a period of 6 mo., and it was revolutionary for me. The second bible I read was a Life Application Study Bible, in the NIV translation. I did find it harder to understand, but I found that as I read it, my intelligence, and my ability to understand was actually increasing! I've heard people say that depressed people should exercise their brain, well this was the best exercise I can imagine. That experience changed me; it changed my brain's capabilities!

2. One of the first books I read at that time was Living Free in Christ by Neil Anderson. I had been saved when I was 14, but I knew almost nothing about being a Christian, and this book opened my eyes to what Jesus had really done for me, and what was the authority that I had in Him. It also helped me to leave behind the old sinful patterns and beliefs that had been imprisoning me in depression. I also had a workbook by Neil Anderson, called Steps to Freedom in Christ, and working through it helped me to turn my back on sinful, occultish activities that had plagued my life.

3. I didn't find Kenneth Copeland's teachings for another 4 years, but again, this was a pivotal moment in my life. At that time, I had felt like I was sinking in fear, but I "just happened" to see one of Kenneth Copeland's programs, and he was preaching on fear. I ordered the cd's, and to hear God's Word preached that way was something I'd never encountered before. It began something of an addiction for me (listening to preaching cd's), because I felt like I'd found the answer I'd been searching for all my life. I had known before that God and His word were my answer, but when I heard Brother Copeland preach, it was like I could see the bible in a whole new light, and realize that I had not known God very well up to that point. Besides that, I had been believing things about Him and His word that were not true. I had grown up hearing teachings and ideas that were based in tradition, and not on true knowledge.

One of the first things I remember hearing from the Copeland's teachings was that God is Love. This meant that wherever in the bible I saw the word God, I could substitute the word Love, and it would mean the same thing! As I did this, I began to see that God's only motive toward me was loving kindness! He wasn't a big, scary Daddy who would fiercely punish me if I got out of line. I saw that He had taken the punishment on Himself, and now He wanted to show me how to live free.

I hope I can do a post like this again, because there's just so much I need to add here. Feel free to comment if this connects with you. : )

Liberty.

Healthy Eating Made Easy

2008-04-01T20:14:00.003-06:00

Healthy eating can seem like just one more thing on the To Do list, but often all we need to do is make a simple adjustment. Not much more cost or time are necessary.

For example, just start eating your fruits and vegetables raw! This is not as tricky as it seems; you will not need a raw foodist cookbook. All you need to do is:

1. Pick up whatever fresh fruits and veggies you know that your family will eat. Don't get too exotic, and waste money on avocados if nobody likes those. Do get a few things that are used up right away (like bananas) and a few that will last (like apples).

2. At snack time, make a raw fruit available. Leave a bowl of apple wedges on the table, or some banana thirds. Keep a bowl of fruit on the island for bedtime snacks, and when you would normally have used canned pears/ peaches/ pineapple, now use fresh. Some things will cost more, but not outlandishly. Buy in season, and freeze a few things. Strawberries and bananas can be frozen and used in smoothies.

3. At meal times, serve a raw side dish. There are probably vegetables that everybody in your family likes, like carrots, or cucumbers. Serve those! Raw vegetables are so much better for your health than a can of corn or whatever else can be served. When food is eaten raw, all of the enzymes and nutrients are preserved. All of the food's vitamins are in their original, accessible state. With a little creativity, something raw can be included at every meal, and your health, and your family's will benefit.

4. Include raw foods in your traditional dishes, to help your family get accustomed to vegetables, if they are not in the habit of eating them. For example, if serving a stir fry, just leave a few of the vegetables raw (like diced green peppers) and sprinkle them on as a condiment. It's really tasty, and crunchy. Once you get used to it, you'll want raw vegetables in your sandwiches, under your mac and cheese, and inside your tacos! Just keep a few raw vegetables chopped and in the fridge to sprinkle over salads or casseroles.

So eating healthy doesn't need to cramp your style. It just takes a small adjustment, and a little getting used to!

Check out Tammy's Recipes for more great Kitchen Tips!!

Grateful to be Who I Am

2008-03-29T15:07:00.004-06:00

When I feel so unthankful, so selfish, so bitter. What better time to thank You, to tell You I so appreciate what You have done with my life. That you would take someone like this: someone like me- and forgive me, clean up my life, and heal me. I can't say enough about You. You have been so good to me.

71. I am grateful that even though there is pain in my family, that Your mercies are new every morning, and Your faithfulness is GREAT.

72. I have never been treated by You as I deserve. You have always, and only loved me.

73. I am grateful that someday this day will be far behind, and that life can be different than it is right now: as soon as tomorrow morning!

74. I am grateful that the gospel brings hope!

75. I am thankful for the actual physical comfort that comes from reading Your Word.

76. I'm glad that when I've been up in the middle of the night, You've been there.

77. I sure appreciate the Miracle Channel. I am glad to be encouraged, and to be spurred on in the fight.

78. I am humbly grateful for the forgiveness of my children.

79. I am glad that hormones don't run my life, but Lord, I am truly grateful that they can change. I am thankful for the times that I laughed this month, but I am also going to appreciate the times that I cried.

80. I am thankful for friends. Grateful for a family. Lord, it is not always how I would have chosen, but I am trusting that it is as You have chosen. I am thankful today that You have called me salt, and light.

Think of it: when I was desperately hungry last night, what did I want? Salt. I would have given anything to be able to eat something fatty and salty. Jesus says that I am the salt of the earth. Sometimes it's uncomfortable, because it means that I am different. It means that I am the one doing the satisfying, rather than the one being satisfied. But there is pleasure too, in being the salt in someone's life who has so very little life or nourishment.

And Light. He has truly made me the light of the world. This winter was a pretty good one here, but I was still amazed at how different I felt when the days began to lengthen. My whole outlook on life was taken over and transformed by the beauty of looking out my breakfast window at the sunrise. Gone were the days of staggering out of bed in the pitch blackness, gone the dimly lit morning bible readings. Now we live like kings! Now, we have LIGHT. I am that light. The beacon that says to someone else: there is hope. Don't give up yet, it will only get brighter from here on in.

Thank You Father, for making me salt, even when it is uncomfortable, and for making me light, even when it means that I am under scrutiny. I love You my Lord, my SALT, my LIGHT. You are everything to me. You have given me new hope.

The Hidden Room of the Heart

2008-03-28T09:25:00.009-06:00

For the last 1o years or so I have had a recurring dream about houses! The dream is always different, the house is always different, but it always reflects the condition of my heart. I'll tell you the one I had last night, so you can see what I mean.

I dreamed I was visiting a friend of mine, who I haven't seen for a long time. She was showing me all the redecorating they'd done in their house. They didn't have a big house, or a lot of money, but the appearance of the house was very important to her, and she had done a lot of work! There were fancy new window treatments, new stylish colors of paint in every room, and fancy knockdown designs on the walls! My friend had done most of the work herself, with her mother helping in some places. They had hired someone to do the very fine work.

My friend took me all through the house, and at the end of the tour were three rooms that seemed more significant than the others had. The kitchen had been light, and airy, and beautiful, but now the kids play room wasn't so special somehow. I could understand that she hadn't done much work here, because often kids wreck things in their play. They chip the walls, or stain the carpet. So that the room looked rather old and retro seemed rather normal to me. The next room was her sewing room. I didn't look around much, because it seemed that this wasn't a room which she spent a lot of time in, but nevertheless, she was proud of it. It was her special room, and she enjoyed showing it to people. It was HER room. But after this room, there was one last room. She wasn't going to show it to me, but I saw it, and asked her about it. What was this room? I needed to know. Oh, she remarked, it was the other sewing room. What? Another one? I wanted to see this sewing room- what was it like? This room was not very big, it had no windows, and it looked a bit like a dingy basement storage room. I wondered why my friend hadn't done anything with this room, because I could see such potential in it. She seemed to disregard it, and feel a bit embarrassed about it. She didn't feel it was such an important room. I pondered the dream this morning, and this is my interpretation:

Once again, the house is a heart. Many women take great care to tend to the condition of their lives: the parts people can see. They dress it up, make it welcoming, they primp it, and prune it, and make it look good. This isn't merely a selfish interest: women are nurturers, and they want the people around them to be comfortable.

But few women recognize the hidden room of their heart. Not their mind, not their feelings; but the deeper, secret place that few women ever go. They don't even want to acknowledge that this room exists, but this room is the most important, because this room is where God lives. Have you given God a room in your spirit, in your inner most place? I believe God is saying- don't be afraid of that room. Don't be afraid to go there, and examine what's inside, because He sees boundless potential there! God wants to take over the whole house, certainly, but the back room (the hidden room) of your heart is the secret place. This is the place where God lives.

It would serve the depressed woman well to examine what is in that room. We are each born with that room of our spirit, but the disappointing news is, that the room is under enemy jurisdiction from the moment we are born. We are born already sold, as slaves to sin.

But! God gave each man; each woman on earth the choice to decide if they really want to stay in that enemy camp. God gave each of us the privelage of choosing to give the ownership of our secret place (our command central) to Him.

When I was depressed, my secret room was filled with bitterness, depression, anger, hopelessness, and discouragement. There was stuff in there that I had harboured carefully, and then some that I had come with already. You know how if you purchase a new computer, there will be programs that come already installed, like AOL, or MSN. But when you plug that brand new computer in, there will be updates that you will need. Even a brand new computer needs them. Well, I had some preinstalled hatred, some naturally occurring selfishness. When I came to know Jesus, I had to plug into Him, and change the contents of that room. I was in need of some serious updates!

The first thing I threw out was the unforgiveness. This cleared out a huge section, and gave me some real breathing room. I invited Jesus to come and live in this room, and to clean it up with me. I knew that together we could do it. The prayer counselling I recieved was basically changing the ownership of my heart. I didn't want satan and his demons taking advantage of my command central. I turned the lordship of my life over to Jesus.

The first, and most important thing I did after the prayer/ deliverance session was that each morning, I dedicated the first half hour of my day to changing what was coming into my secret room. I began reading the new testament for 1/2 hour each morning while my toddler watched veggietales. In doing this, I was purposely putting something valuable, something beautiful into the secret room of my heart. I had cleaned out my basement storage room, and was now renovating! I was blasting holes for windows, and putting fresh paint on the walls. Each morning I spent with the Lord was renewing my mind, it was transforming the contents of my heart.

You can do it too.

Healing Always Comes

2008-03-26T10:09:00.002-06:00

Just thought I'd let you know what I've been up to lately!

Protected from Depression- Part 2

2008-03-13T11:25:00.003-06:00

Yesterday we talked about Psalm 5, and how David cried out to God in desperation, and he expected God to answer him. He believed that God would rescue and protect him.

Today, look at Psalm 17. In verse 6 David states: "I am praying to You because I know You will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray." Here we see again that no matter how terrible the circumstances we find ourselves in, we are to come to God in FAITH. Not in complaint, not in anger, not in despair, but knowing that He is, He is good, and that when we come to Him, we can expect Him to answer, we can expect Him to save us.

Verse 7-8 says: "Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways. By your mighty power you rescue those who seek refuge from their enemies. Guard me as the apple of your eye. Hide me in the shadow of Your wings." This is confirming what we spoke about yesterday, that God is our refuge, and strength, a very present help in time of need.

When a person battles depression, they need protection from assailing thoughts, from attacks against their body, enemy attacks on their family. And here God is telling us that He rescues those who seek refuge. We must make the Lord our hiding place.

On a practical level, how do we do that?

I would start by playing Christian music in the home. You can play it softly in the background if need be, so that it can touch your heart and your spirit, but it doesn't interfere with normal activities. Think of it this way: if you went to the grocery store today, they would have been playing carefully chosen music designed to make you feel comfortable, and inclined to buy. Why shouldn't you have music playing in your home that inclines your heart to peace, to worship. Maybe you don't have any Christian /worship music right now, but you can always use a Christian internet station like K-Love.

Secondly, read the bible aloud in your home. Your faith has to come out of your mouth. This is how God created the world- He said something. Now, don't worry about exactly what you will read, or how much, but read the Word, and do it daily. Five minutes of releasing the Word of God into your life is better than zero minutes!

Thirdly, dedicate your home to the Lord. Make your home to be a place of His presence. Yes, He is present with us always: He lives in us! But just like the local grocery store tries to find ways to make their store more attractive to you- a place where you feel comfortable being- we can make our homes a place that we and our families feel comfortable meeting with God. We are His temple, yes, but we can do so much to make our homes a "meeting place" for the Lord. The Israelites used the blood of a lamb, spread over the doorposts of their homes to signify that they were in covenant with God- the death angel could not touch them. In a similar way, we are in covenant with God through the blood of the lamb, Jesus Christ. We have His Spirit, sent forth into our hearts! To cement this into our hearts, we can take a little bottle of olive oil, and dab some on the top and sides of our doors, signifying that we belong to the Lord: we are under the blood of the Lamb. We belong to Jesus now, not to depression.

Fourth, allow God to show you things in your life that are stealing your peace, or keeping you outside of the refuge of God's protection. Maybe there will be books that you will need to throw out, or TV programs that you will have to stop watching. When I was healed of my depression, I stopped listening to all of my old music. No more radio, no more tapes or cd's. I threw it all away. We've been taught that "you are what you eat", and to some extent we know that's true! Anyone who has seen "Supersize Me" can agree that we are affected by what we eat. But even more so, you are what you eat spiritually. If the Lord is your Refuge, your Hiding Place, then there will be things that you have to stop feeding on. Over time, you will replace these things with what is far better for your spiritual health.

Can I give you a humorous example here? Well when my oldest son was only 2 or so, I had gone through my home, dedicating it to the Lord, declaring His peace, and His presence. I asked Him to show me anything in our home that was displeasing to Him, so that I could get rid of it. As I prayed in my son's bedroom, I came across a little purple teletubby. Something about it stood out to me, and I knew that this was the item I was to get rid of. I guess that's the funny part, because a little purple teletubby doesn't seem like a big deal! But I was doing my best to hear God and obey, so I threw the toy away. It was only a couple of days later that I heard about some controversy over the purple teletubby- I guess parents were concerned that the purple teletubby, who seemed to be male, was carrying a purse. No matter where you stand on the homosexual issue right now, I knew that it was something that wasn't right for my family. My inclination to throw out the purple teletubby was right. It was an occasion for me to practice hearing God's voice. God wanted me to recognize Him, and yield to Him.